I've been led.....

I have not posted recently but once again I feel led to say what is on my heart..  I was reading my Devotional "Jesus Calling" this morning for December 6.  What was said really hit me.  The Bible references the devotion was based on were Deuteronomy 6:5; Colossians 3:23; and Psalm 16:11.  To paraphrase both the author and the Bible passages: Man creates duties and rituals to give God money, time and work but neglects to give God what he really wants which is our hearts.  By performing ritualistic, mechanical and habitual actions, over and over,  they come to require no thought.  "the soul becomes comatose."
What God really wants and what he created us for is our presence with him and our joy in his creation.  God does not want or need money, sacrifice of lives, ritualistic prayer, robotic-ally performed duties for the church, the poor, the sick, or the hungry.  What he wants is for us to pray, love and give with joy and wonder.  He desires our hearts and  thankfulness for the blessings we have received; and the relationship we continue to develop with him.
How indeed can the creator of the universe be in need of anything.  He has it all.  Except he gave us free choice.  Each of us can choose to be in relationship with this Awesome Being whom we cannot approach physically, but only with our hearts and minds.
It is as if one has a child who offers his parent blind obedience and respect, in his presence;  but once out of sight, merrily pursues his own appetites and desires with no thought or concern for who he hurts or kills in the process. What Parent could hold such a child in esteem when he learns his child has cast his values and principles into the mud and then stomped on them.  What Parent could be proud when he learns his child has deliberately stolen, raped, maimed, brutalized, and destroyed the very home and persons, with whom and into which, the child was lovingly born and raised.
When we care more for our own interests then for the Parent who gave us life and raised us, then we trample on sacred ground.  We pay homage to the god of self and try to buy off the Creator of all that is and has been and will be.  We offer meaningless rituals, prayers and offerings, never touching and engaging with the Blessing of Creation.
Yes, I am a Creationist, but not in the common meaning.  The Creator of all the laws and principles which yields us insights into Being and science is the Creation I believe in.  The God of Love who holds all of his children in the center of his Being and infuses those who choose to listen with knowledge and joy, and his Eternal presence within.
So say I, PooBah, on this glorious and God filled day.

Reflections on the election of 2016

Well, it is now the day after election day and Donald Trump won fairly and squarely, against most odds.  Lord, how I dislike pundits..
The American people have spoken, and I, for one, accept their decision.  I am grateful to God that I was born in and live in the United States of America.  I have loved this country for as long as I can remember; " For purple mountain majesties, Above the fruited plain,".
As a child I won a civics award, for best composition on the American Flag.  In the piece I wrote of our horrendous treatment of American Indians, slavery, the women's vote, the depression  and the wars we fought and the tremendous toll it took on our country and soldiers.  I spoke of my faith in the American people and how as a country we always attempted to correct our wrongs.  I spoke of the strength of our Constitution and Bill of Rights and how regardless of our differences we were a strong, proud and good people and our flag would forever fly as a beacon of freedom to immigrants,and to other countries in the world.  You might wonder how I remember all of this from an eighth grade composition.  I remember because these are the things I have always stood for.  My eighth grade teacher told me, "Claire, you have to continue to write, of course no one will ever be able to read it"( he was commentating on my spelling which I am proud to say has improved dramatically due to spell check).
As I said, I love our country and its diverse peoples and I have every expectation that regardless of who is President, we are bigger and better than an individual or group of policies.
I grew up in the tip of northern New York near the Canadian border in a small town called Potsdam. I know the upstate peoples and the struggles they have encountered.  My dad worked for Alcoa Aluminium. and was always a union man  He worked as a construction worker to help build the Seaway.  He worked for Putnam Hawley, (our local Home Depot),  cutting lumber and loading and unloading trucks.  He was  a union carpenter and a jack of all trades.  I mention this because I know what it like to be poor in an unforgiving, cold, upstate county where jobs were scarce, where Native Americans lived on reservations,and Blacks and Latinos were few and far between.  Even Jewish people were few back then in Potsdam and my Jewish schoolmates went to Massena to worship
I also know what prejudice is like because it was present in the rarefied air we breathed.  Prejudiced against anything or one who was different.  If you were poor you were looked down on because the chamber of commerce and the country club set had their own values and restrictions.  I remember my mom writing letters to the bank with five dollars to put down on the mortgage, saying to please wait until next month to foreclose as she could then make a larger payment. She wept as she made calls to her relatives to once again ask for a loan. My dad worked very hard at every job he had but was prone to injuries and frequently lost jobs to heal.  There was no paid health insurance in those days and we certainly could not afford doctors and hospital bills.  We always said my dad was an accident waiting to happen.  My uncle Jerry bailed my dad out countless times, recommending him for jobs and slipping him pocket money for gas to go for an interview.
Ok, so I know what it is like to be poor and to have baked beans and mac and cheese the night before payday and there was no meat left in the house.  I remember in high school our home ed teacher, asked us what our favorite meal was and I said baked beans and mac and cheese.  She was horrified.  She said "there is no Meat!!!!!"  I laugh today as a vegetarian, because it was a very high protein meal, but then I was just embarrassed.
My new clothes came from Fishman's, (the 5 and 10 cent store), or mama laboriously made them as she hated to sew, and worked full time as a teacher, and later a social worker.
I say all of this because I know the rural areas of the US and understand that if you are not among the favored few, life and Washington seem stacked against you. When there were large industries around and steel and aluminum plants, and manufacturing plants, and the auto and coal industries; at least you could find some kind of work.  Today those jobs are few and far between because most of our industries have gone east to China.  In this country today the rich and business' have gotten richer and richer through foreign investments and offshore bank accounts.  Even if the common middle class worker has a has a savings account they are lucky to earn 1% ROI.
So all in all, to sum it up.  I understand the rural mentality and it's desire for change regardless of the cost.  I know I got the hell out of there as fast as I could.  There was no room for a bleeding heart liberal like me in the beautiful farm country, unless I went to be a forest ranger in my majestic Adirondack mountains.
I know the rural vote is now in control and hope and pray the alternative right and the hate groups will continue to be disavowed by Trump and his soon to be formed cabinet.  We are going into unknown territory and we must bring our better angels to the foreground, and trust in our Constitution with its separation of powers and Bill of Rights, and the goodness and strong will of our generous American people.

Why I write this Blog

 I have often wondered why I expose my inner most thoughts to the public and friends through this blog.  I believe it is because I am crying out to people to really know and love me.  With all my thoughts, warts, bumps, inadequacies, and every other unnameable thing that occurs to me.
Actually, in truth, I do not expose my inner most thoughts and feelings.  Those I save for God alone.  So even here I wear a mask.  There are some things/thoughts that are unspeakable.  Not bad, just unspeakable.  A voice crying out in a wilderness, but masking his true identity.
 Do you too mask your true identity?  Do you too cry out for fellowship you may never have, with people you will never know.  Is this a common experience or is it only me?
Internally my God is all to me.  He walks slightly ahead of me everywhere. holding my hand but stepping out first so he can both protect me and lead me in the way he would have me go.  The Lord is my Shepherd and I am a pretty dumb ewe.  But I do know enough to follow him.  Sometimes I forget to request his/her companionship but he is there anyway, watching me make my mistakes and blunders, and falling down.  The Lord is ready, always ready, to pick me up when I ask.  I truly am never alone.
 But in my external world I seem to need fellowship, understanding, congruence between my inner and outer worlds.  I make a fool of myself reaching out to Facebook friends who never answer me.  Oh they may like or love something or post a three word comment. but they never relate to my advances in a real way.  I send them a long message telling them about myself and asking about them and I get back bupkis.  My one friend,Eileen, and my one niece, Margo,answer me.  I already know them.  I want to know you.  I want to know about your life, your family, what you think and what you believe.  I want to engage in real conversation.  I am basically a shut in, with supportive Church friends,  a wonderful husband, but few other people I can really connect with.  I keep reaching out.  Like a damned fool.  Or a fisherman casting into the water, but I only get nibbles.  No bites.
 I am getting tired of it and myself so I am thinking of not doing this any more.  I can put my photos in order or scrapbook instead: for people who will only throw them all out when I die.
 I know this is a rather dark post but I am a needy person.  I need feedback.  Who is it that is out there in France, Germany, and China, who is reading my blog?  Why are you reading it and can you not comment? Who is it on Facebook, or is responding to my blog update emails?  
 Where are you?  Who are you?  Why do you keep coming back?
 It is all a great mystery.

Moody and Sarcastic, says who?

All of my illusions about myself have been shattered once again.  I have been married 52 years and counting.  December makes it 53.  You would think by now you would have a good idea of who you are and who you are married to.  I would have thought by now I would have known how my husband and others see me.  Instead this morning I was brought up sharp with an answer I NEVER EXPECTED.
 I was taking a quiz on Facebook to find out what kind of cat I would be.  I encountered the following question and four possible answers:
What kind of person are you
1.  Kind, caring and sweet
2.  Sarcastic and Moody
3.  Relaxed and laid back
4.  Fiery and Aggressive

I was having difficulty deciding between # 1 and # 4 so I ask my beloved husband. Well, don"t you know he chose # 3, Sarcastic and moody. I could not believe it.  I said " Really, you really think I am sarcastic and moody"?
He said " yes, you are always making rude faces and yelling over the simplest things and making sarcastic remarks to me and about others."
I just could not believe it.  I realized then I had no conception of the effect I had on others.  Suddenly I could see why all my former friends had deserted me over time and why some people said I was hard to get to know at first. I must come off as a super bitch to most people.   And I talk about moody people, oh my God, who am I.
My inner reality about who I am seems to be just a facade and my outer self  is completely different.At least with regard to how I feel about and see myself.
I was so sure I was kind and caring and sweet and became fiery and aggressive only when defending others I felt have been wronged.  Now I see the illusion I have been laboring under.
So please try and forgive me, both my friends and my enemies.  I will be observing myself and my words and actions even more carefully from now on and will try to bring more cogency to my inner and outer realities.
P.S. I came out a Maine Coon Cat in the quiz.

Death and it forerunners

Today's topic is not too cheerful but we must all face the subject in our life.
When I was a child I once regaled a friend's mother with an ad hoc list of all the ways one could die: from a safe falling on one's head from an upper story window, to an infection from a dog bite, to car accidents,  etc,etc,etc.  She got so angry with me but I just would not stop listing every conceivable way to die I could think of.   She was baking and my friend and I were watching her while I chattered on.  Finally she had enough and banished us from the kitchen.  She later asked my sister what was wrong with me.
I remember running like a banshee through the basement of the funeral home with my cousins at my Father's mother's funeral.  We had the best time ever until we were apprehended by an an angry uncle. Whenever I got angry with someone as a child I would wish they would die.  This seemed to be the only way to permanently remove the troublesome people in my life.  It seemed so easy and final...Wam!  your dead...no more problem.  Otherwise, difficult people remained a continuing problem in one's life.
I guess I have always had thoughts of death on my mind, because again as a child, I used to pray my Mom not die until I was at least thirty years old.  I thought by then I would have it together enough to deal with her loss.  Alas, it was not to be the case as she died when I was only twenty one. I found it impossible to deal with and despite the fact I was married, I cried and had nightmares of my mother leaving me for at least six months.  My husband told me later he did not know if he would ever get back the girl he married.  I was depressed, always crying, gained weight and I quit a good job to get a horrible little job in Uniforms For Industry.  I was tallying load sheets and keeping inventory of how many uniforms went out and how many came back.  I worked with an extremely crippled man named Charlie, who taught me to use a calculator without looking; and a older woman named Charlotte who had severe scaring from acne, and used to come to work with a parrot on her shoulder.  It was a dark period along factory row in Jamaica, N.Y., but it gave me time to heal my soul among people who had far greater problems than I had ever dealt with.  I learned to love my co-workers and value the time I spent with them.  I visited their homes, met Charlies mother, and was surprised by Charlotte's cosy little world among her birds and antique treasures.  Her windows, in an extremely poor area, were willed with light and wind chimes.  Both of my friends were safe in the environments they created for themselves.
But back to death.  It all my preoccupations with death in my youth I never was afraid for my own life.  I felt invincible.  I could go anywhere and get involved in any situation and never fear the outcome.  Someday I will write about some of the scary situations I got myself into and out of, but until later I never was afraid for myself.  Each situation was a challenge that I thought I could get myself out of.   I always believed in God and had felt with him by my side there was nothing to fear.
I realise now the reason death never scared me.  I know that when one dies, for better or for worse, change is inevitable.  We either go from a living state to no state at all, a profound change; or we experience a change to another whole existence.  Heaven, reincarnation, time travel to the place we originated from, who knows?  There are those who claim to know but they can offer no proof.  So we trust our reason, our God, or we fear death because it is unknown.  I have always welcomed change, both in the physical world and circumstances or in the mental with new thoughts and ideas.
I do not still fear death, but I do fear very much living in pain and physical and mental deterioration.
Some of my worst fears are of being enclosed.  I have claustrophobia and in later years developed a great fear of heights.  I have a deep fear of being unable to breath.  My COPD has most likely increased this fear, but one of my worst fears from long ago was of drowning.  I truly fear torture and all the books I have read about prisons, concentration camps and bondage situations have fed these fears.  I have a vivid imagination and empathy with others so I experience a lot of what I fear.  I also fear pain, pure and simple.  I know when we feel pain we know we are alive but still I do not at all enjoy the sensation.  Worse, perhaps, is not being able to move or feel anything.  Being trapped in one's own body must be one of the worst sensations.  Once I was prescribed a sleeping pill.  As I drifted off to sleep I felt I was unable to move my limbs or turn around.  I was terrified.  I swore I would never take a sleeping pill again.  I once read a book called "Johnny Got His Gun", about a soldier who was trapped in his body and unable to communicate in any way.  He was completely conscious and remembered everything and the book was a stream of consciousness story.  I have never forgotten this book although I was eighteen when I read it.
So all in all I conclude it is not death that I fear but rather the process of losing life.  Losing the mind/body connection, with which I have lived my life.
So now I must begin to master the process of dying so it will not be so fearful.

Imagination

Imagined adulthood.
Gained adulthood.
Lost imagination.

This was posted on Facebook by a special friend and really amused me.  It did get me thinking though.
I truly believe that, except for the soul, imagination is the most important aspect of a human being.  Oh I know reason, creativity, consciousness, and all the additional parts of our beingness that we experience, are important. For me, however,  imagination holds the key to our highest states of consciousness and our very worst nightmares. Inspiration and fear both come from our active imagination.  I have no clue if other beings experience imagination.  An animal can be very intelligent and obviously is able to reason.  I know our little chihuahua, Angie, can play pretend cat. She will sniff under a bush or look under a car and then jump and run about as if she is chasing a kitty. We always get so amused when she does this because it is exactly how she will play with a real cat.  Both humans and animals participate in play which I feel is an acting out of imagination. ( I think this may be why athletes get better in the off season for their sport because they visualize the activity and are ready to begin acting it out when the season's training comes.)  I know as martial artists we were taught to visualize moves and situations in resting states so we would be prepared if the real situation were to arise.
 This is how I overcame my fear of going home alone by subway after the rush hour has ended in NYC.   I would visualize an attack  by one or more assailants and then practice my moves to evade or control the situation using either force or reason.  Oddly enough I never had to experience anything I had worked out before in my imagination; but my fear was replaced by calmness and control.  There were instances which could have become dangerous but I really believe my demeanor and lack of fear kept things from  being realized.  By the way I also believe that a Godly person also repels attacks that  might occur by nature of his or her sense of protection by God.  Mother Theresa went into the most horrific and dangerous situations with no fear and she was never attacked.
Every safety expert will tell us: to be aware of our circumstances, have one's keys ready in one's hand when going to the car in a parking lot, do not be testing or on the phone, if you feel any thing might be suspicious to go back into the store and get an employee to accompany you to the car, ete, ete, etc.
All this preparation can inspire fear rather than negate it.  What they neglect to tell you is one who is confident and self assured is rarely attacked.  Criminals look for nervous, or unaware victims.  Sometimes we are told not to look people in the eye and to keep our eyes down.  I have found that recognizing others as people and individuals can be a good tactic. Acknowledging others and nodding pleasantly shows you are confident, at ease, and able to deal with situations which might arise.  .
But back to imagination.  I think I could write a book about my imaginary experiences, both waking and sleeping.  This however would be for another time.  For now I simply want you all to begin thinking about imagination and how important it can be for human development.
John Lennon:

Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No Hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Livin' for today
Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Livin' life in peace
You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one

I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharin' all the world
You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

Read more at http://www.songlyrics.com/john-lennon/imagine-lyrics/#0QkHZBtiG8ZxflXx.99(

Friendship Lost and Found

I started this post on Sept.1, but it carried over into today..Aw well, sigh!
I wanted a new friend so badly it hurt.  I wanted someone to share every adventure with and who understood all my varied moods.  I have reached out so many times in the last years and months and no one very special was there.  I asked God and he kept reminding me that he is there.  I know that dear God, and I love you so much, but that was not the same as having a living breathing human friend to do things with.  I love Srini so much also,and he is my dearest love but doesn't share my same interests or like to go to the same places with me.  My little dog Angie is a poor companion at best.  I love her dearly but she is not a real companion to me. She is a bit of a loner but has drawn more close recently.
 What to do?  What to do?
At least when I worked, until that last year, I always had someone to hang with, and joke with, but that was all in the past.  When Char moved away, part of my heart moved with her.  The same with Pam.  When she and Charlie moved to Morro Bay part of my heart moved with them.  I had tried to substitute Facebook friends but they seemed too far removed and when I did not post they seem to forget about me. Even if they were there, when I signed off I was alone again.
I knew my husband had the same problem and some days he really stewed about the fact he never had a real friend who had not turned on him.  Of course his experience was different than mine and we handled it differently.  He is much more active than me and is not as introspective.  He has always kept busy with friends on the telephone (his former students and now friends) and his exercise, guitar, and wood working projects.  He also loves to read but is too active and spends a lot of time learning more about his hobbies on line than reading.  We both love the Robert Crais books because Elvis and Joe, the main characters, are true friends and always have each others backs.  This is the kind of friendship both of us felt we yearned for and needed in our lives.
We were stumbling along and I kept yearning for a real true friend who would never leave until one or the other of us died.  My dear sister, with whom I shared a love, and not so much love relationship,was stumbling into deeper dementia, and was not able to even reminisce with me.
Then, out of the blue I had an epiphany. I cannot describe it as anything else.  Certain things happened with certain friends, and I received wonderful feedback from several other dear friends and I suddenly realized what a real fool I had been.  Mooning about lost or missing relationships and not valuing enough the real relationships I have and enjoy.today.
I have a larger group than most people, who really love and care for me.   All of these dear ones in my life seemed to have converged around me in the same time frame and I realise how truly blessed I am.
There is no special "Best Friend" any more and in truth I don't think I could handle one today.  The relationship always becomes too exclusive and excludes others who mean so much.  In truth I am a very slow learner and it has taken me 72 years to have this insight into relationships.  I always
knew that three people could not be best friends because two always eventually excluded the third and feelings would be hurt.  This happened to me in early highschool so I learned to count on one special friend only.
 Fast forward more than sixty years and I finally learn that dear and very special friends surround me always and not one, but many people are there to watch my back and catch me if I falter or fall.  Among my many dear friends are several gentlemen both here and abroad, in India, and other far countries; who always watch out for and care for me.  Add to them my many Facebook friends who are further away and Church friends who are both on FB and also near to me and I already have a very large group.  Then add to this several other dear friends who live in Phoenix but whom I have neglected far too long but am gathering close again.  . I cannot count all my friends with both finger and toes and even limbs and orifices.  They seem countless like the stars and one or another pops up and then recedes for a while, whenever I have a need for companionship or help.
I have to say it again.  I AM SO BLESSED>  I have so many very dear and special friends and I pray I never again devalue them by searching for a special one.  The Creator is my first and special One and I vow from now to love and value others as he/she,  has valued me.