Monday, July 22, 2013
I'm Sorry I've been gone so long, I promise I'll be back.
I have been traveling a bit and now I am immersed in a project which is totally unimportant and irrelevant to any sane creature. I have been putting this off since 2001 and I am bound and determined to finish this week. When it is done I will let you know and I am sure you will agree I am certifiable, however never knock one's passions. They may point to who a person really is. Enough said. See you soon.
Monday, July 1, 2013
Taking time off
I am going to take a break from writing for a few days. Check FB to see when I am back or I will send an email. I have lots to do in the next few days and it doesn't include blogging. I plan to stick my fingers in a light socket and recharge. Just a little light humor. Did you ever think about what it means to recharge your batteries? As if one is some sort of a machine which constantly needs to be refueled, and occasionally needs to get recharged or get a whole new battery. Wait, we are machines like that! Who would have thought? We add water and fuel everyday, we sleep to recharge, we crash and burn or sometimes just end up with damaged fenders or need an engine replacement. We try alternative fuels like smoke, alcohol and drugs, but they seldom sustain us and do damage and rust out our parts and even throw off the electrical system and electronics on board. We also sometimes add too much fuel and become twice the machine we used to be. Not good.
Did you ever think what kind of a vehicle you would be, if you could be any vehicle you wanted? Much has been written about how and why people choose their means of transportation and it is a fascinating subject. I would like however, to take it farther. I would like to know what kind of person you would be if you could start all over with a brand new life.
I haven't really thought too much about this but if I were to be reincarnated into a brand new being I think I would again choose to be a woman. I would like to be a very strong and empathetic woman. I would like to have conquered my fears and insecurities and face life boldly regardless of the circumstances. I would like to try on a variety of lifestyles but manage to live authentically regardless of the vagaries of the life I would be re given. I want to love children, people and all animals and life forms, and to walk softly and gently through God's creation. I want to love beauty, art, nature, creativity and to contribute value to my fellow man. Then to pass gently into the heavens.
Did you ever think what kind of a vehicle you would be, if you could be any vehicle you wanted? Much has been written about how and why people choose their means of transportation and it is a fascinating subject. I would like however, to take it farther. I would like to know what kind of person you would be if you could start all over with a brand new life.
I haven't really thought too much about this but if I were to be reincarnated into a brand new being I think I would again choose to be a woman. I would like to be a very strong and empathetic woman. I would like to have conquered my fears and insecurities and face life boldly regardless of the circumstances. I would like to try on a variety of lifestyles but manage to live authentically regardless of the vagaries of the life I would be re given. I want to love children, people and all animals and life forms, and to walk softly and gently through God's creation. I want to love beauty, art, nature, creativity and to contribute value to my fellow man. Then to pass gently into the heavens.
Friday, June 28, 2013
Material possessions
I have given myself 20 minutes from now, to write this.
I have no clue but hope my muse will lead me. Sometimes I listen and sometimes I do not. It depends on the subject presented.
I have been trying to get ready for the next step in my life but I am unsure of what it will be. I don't think it is death just yet but I do think it is in the process of dying to things. All my life I have been so materialistic. I love beautiful things and when I see them I want to have them for my own. I know I can only hold the things for a short while then I will be gone, so now I am looking to make the time of ownership even shorter. Like, I want to have things of beauty in my mind only, instead of needing to physically bring them home. I have been a little ashamed of my materialism but not enough to avoid telling people about it. Everywhere I go, everything I see, I want some of it. I ache for the beauty of the world and I somehow think if I can just hold onto it in some physical sense, that sense of awe will hold forever. Well, you all know the end of the story. After you have a thing it gets old, and you want something else to replace it. The house, the cars, the furnishings for each room of the house. We get tired of them all. We want something new and shiny to replace them. On the other hand we really want to hold on to what we already have. We do not want to give it away or share it. Sometimes we can be enticed to sell it, so we can get something new.
Now sometimes, unfortunately, we feel the same way about relationships. New is better? Can this be a reason why the divorce rates are so high?
Anyway that is another topic and I have never wanted to replace my marriage or friendships.
But this materialistic thing, it is hard for me to get a handle on it. I have always wanted to be free and unfettered, but I keep adding to my treasure trove of goodies. I can't just pick up and go because the things I am leaving behind tie me up with invisible bindings. They say to keep only what you love or is important to you. It all is. My thoughts and memories are all bound up in these things.
I keep thinking of having an estate sale before I die so I can separate myself from these material attractions. I know many people in my Church and of my generation have these same problems. It always achieves tragic proportions when people have to leave their homes and move to independent or assisted living. Decisions are forced on them and while in some sense they are ready, in another they are most assuredly not.
So I say, make the plans now. Separate yourself emotionally and then physically from these emotion fraught things, and move on. Buy no more, then you will need no more goodbuys.
A little humor there. Sayonara. I made my time deadline.
I have no clue but hope my muse will lead me. Sometimes I listen and sometimes I do not. It depends on the subject presented.
I have been trying to get ready for the next step in my life but I am unsure of what it will be. I don't think it is death just yet but I do think it is in the process of dying to things. All my life I have been so materialistic. I love beautiful things and when I see them I want to have them for my own. I know I can only hold the things for a short while then I will be gone, so now I am looking to make the time of ownership even shorter. Like, I want to have things of beauty in my mind only, instead of needing to physically bring them home. I have been a little ashamed of my materialism but not enough to avoid telling people about it. Everywhere I go, everything I see, I want some of it. I ache for the beauty of the world and I somehow think if I can just hold onto it in some physical sense, that sense of awe will hold forever. Well, you all know the end of the story. After you have a thing it gets old, and you want something else to replace it. The house, the cars, the furnishings for each room of the house. We get tired of them all. We want something new and shiny to replace them. On the other hand we really want to hold on to what we already have. We do not want to give it away or share it. Sometimes we can be enticed to sell it, so we can get something new.
Now sometimes, unfortunately, we feel the same way about relationships. New is better? Can this be a reason why the divorce rates are so high?
Anyway that is another topic and I have never wanted to replace my marriage or friendships.
But this materialistic thing, it is hard for me to get a handle on it. I have always wanted to be free and unfettered, but I keep adding to my treasure trove of goodies. I can't just pick up and go because the things I am leaving behind tie me up with invisible bindings. They say to keep only what you love or is important to you. It all is. My thoughts and memories are all bound up in these things.
I keep thinking of having an estate sale before I die so I can separate myself from these material attractions. I know many people in my Church and of my generation have these same problems. It always achieves tragic proportions when people have to leave their homes and move to independent or assisted living. Decisions are forced on them and while in some sense they are ready, in another they are most assuredly not.
So I say, make the plans now. Separate yourself emotionally and then physically from these emotion fraught things, and move on. Buy no more, then you will need no more goodbuys.
A little humor there. Sayonara. I made my time deadline.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Cain and Abel, and maybe Sally, today
We all know that in the Bible, when Cain slew Able it was the first murder and the first we know of a life threatening dispute between brothers. This apparently started the series of all the sibling disputes which have followed.
My question is as follows: WHY?
I know of two situations intimately, where two sets of brothers who once loved each other, fought for each other and seriously planned their lives around one another, have become sworn enemies and are totally incapable of even talking to one another. WHY?
Oh, I know the circumstances of each situation and there all sorts of incidents which led to the breaking point of each relationship, but what I cannot understand is WHY?
It is always somewhat understandable when siblings with large age or character differences just cannot get along and avoid each other. Sometimes they do not see each other for many years and there is little or no communication, but they do not hate each other. They just do not like each other too much and there isn't a lot of love lost between them.
In the situation, however, when the brothers or sisters have been very close I can only ask WHY?
What is it which comes between the two to cause such anger and separation? From my observations it seems to be two things. Control and money. In both cases the final split came after the death of the Father, who was loved and respected. The mother was left a widow and the younger brother assumed a position of control he had previously been denied when the father was alive. For differing reasons the younger brother was asked to assume some help and assistance with the estate which remained for the widow. During the remaining years of each mother's life the tensions built between the elder and second brothers. The third brothers, in both cases, took sides with the elder brother. When the widows finally passed there were open fights with words and insults and the 2 sets of brothers have been unable to get along since. If they are to meet there are harsh words and further alienation. I believe these matters can never be resolved as neither set of brothers wants them to be. The money and inheritance problems have never been completely resolved and lawyers have been consulted in both cases.
I have been thinking and thinking and several possibilities come to me. In both cases the younger of the two brothers had health problems which most likely led to them being somewhat spoiled, but nonetheless neither felt he had been given enough love from the parents. The elder brother in both cases was strong and competent and the apple of their mother's eyes. I am sure for many years resentments smoldered in the younger brother's hearts but they both made it seem like they loved and admired their older brother. They used to trail after their older brother when they were young and tried to get their attention. Once the parents were gone their true feelings were given an outlet and what had smoldered, burst into flame.
The families of both sets of brothers have been devastated by the fractures and keep trying to handle what went wrong.
I do not know if my thinking makes any sense to anyone but me. I would seriously make sure that if I had more than one child my will would be in place down to every last detail before either me or my husband became incapacitated. Siblings and relatives will fight over animals, possessions, jewelry, money, the family Bible, you name it. Whatever is left can be a fight if resentments have been buried over time. My two close encounters involve men, but it is the same for sisters, or brother and sister. Beware the murderer in your midst. He or she would slew their sibling if given the chance.
My question is as follows: WHY?
I know of two situations intimately, where two sets of brothers who once loved each other, fought for each other and seriously planned their lives around one another, have become sworn enemies and are totally incapable of even talking to one another. WHY?
Oh, I know the circumstances of each situation and there all sorts of incidents which led to the breaking point of each relationship, but what I cannot understand is WHY?
It is always somewhat understandable when siblings with large age or character differences just cannot get along and avoid each other. Sometimes they do not see each other for many years and there is little or no communication, but they do not hate each other. They just do not like each other too much and there isn't a lot of love lost between them.
In the situation, however, when the brothers or sisters have been very close I can only ask WHY?
What is it which comes between the two to cause such anger and separation? From my observations it seems to be two things. Control and money. In both cases the final split came after the death of the Father, who was loved and respected. The mother was left a widow and the younger brother assumed a position of control he had previously been denied when the father was alive. For differing reasons the younger brother was asked to assume some help and assistance with the estate which remained for the widow. During the remaining years of each mother's life the tensions built between the elder and second brothers. The third brothers, in both cases, took sides with the elder brother. When the widows finally passed there were open fights with words and insults and the 2 sets of brothers have been unable to get along since. If they are to meet there are harsh words and further alienation. I believe these matters can never be resolved as neither set of brothers wants them to be. The money and inheritance problems have never been completely resolved and lawyers have been consulted in both cases.
I have been thinking and thinking and several possibilities come to me. In both cases the younger of the two brothers had health problems which most likely led to them being somewhat spoiled, but nonetheless neither felt he had been given enough love from the parents. The elder brother in both cases was strong and competent and the apple of their mother's eyes. I am sure for many years resentments smoldered in the younger brother's hearts but they both made it seem like they loved and admired their older brother. They used to trail after their older brother when they were young and tried to get their attention. Once the parents were gone their true feelings were given an outlet and what had smoldered, burst into flame.
The families of both sets of brothers have been devastated by the fractures and keep trying to handle what went wrong.
I do not know if my thinking makes any sense to anyone but me. I would seriously make sure that if I had more than one child my will would be in place down to every last detail before either me or my husband became incapacitated. Siblings and relatives will fight over animals, possessions, jewelry, money, the family Bible, you name it. Whatever is left can be a fight if resentments have been buried over time. My two close encounters involve men, but it is the same for sisters, or brother and sister. Beware the murderer in your midst. He or she would slew their sibling if given the chance.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Right Now I Am O.K.
It has been a while but I have been very busy doing my usual daily little dumb things. I read "Super Brain" and I really enjoyed it. The main thing I really got; I had once before, but forgot it.(it is an interesting thought, got/forgot) It is a very important concept that I forgot.. It is that Right Now I am O.K. This means all the normal or abnormal things I worry about are in the future: and the stuff I fret about or feel inadequate about or which makes me sad, are all in the past. Right now, this very minute I am O.K.
I don't seem to realize or maybe I just don't get that I make my own heavens or hells or purgatories. When I leave the current moment is when all of the problems begin. It is however very hard to stay in the current moment. Our hopes and fears keep coming up and we keep slipping backward or forward in time. If time is a man made concept and everything only happens as it happens, not before or after, then it is easier to stay focused in the now.
It is interesting to read stories about people with amnesia who apparently forget who they are, and remember nothing from the past. It seems to be sort of like Alzheimer's only the self is lost all at once and can come back. All of these people should have it easy living in the moment but it seems the moment is really unavailable to them too. They appear to be worried about their confused little moment. There appears to be only confusion or angst, in their moments. The moment is wasted in worrying about what they should but do not remember or what they are missing by being unable to imagine a future.
They seem to live in the lost land of existing /not existing, never ever land.
Meditation promises to take us into the moment but I have never succeeded in losing my mind. Instead I lament and wonder why I cannot escape my thoughts, If you are worried about it you are not meditating. You are supposed to gently draw yourself back to your mantra, instead I jerk myself around and try to force myself back. I would much rather be consciously aware of what is happening now in the current moment. The sounds I hear, the colors I see, the softness of my pet's fur that I feel. Even the pain. I try to go into the pain rather than escape it, remembering right now I am O.K. and if I can get out of my thoughts and fears and just tune into my senses I can continue on and live in the moment.
Too often there are the moments of beauty and peace and Godliness and then we are jerked back to our hates and fears and belief systems. How can we come from meditation, church, a symphony, and experience of beauty, God, or realization, and be the same old stinky, corrupt and unforgiving persons we were before? The over the top experiences do not seem to change us.
This is why Priests and Pastors are forgiven for their transgressions and redemption is possible. It appears to be part of the human condition. As humans we visit the heights and descend to the depths
and carry only vague impressions of each state to the other. Whatever the conditions of either state. If I can only stay in the now I am O.K.
I don't seem to realize or maybe I just don't get that I make my own heavens or hells or purgatories. When I leave the current moment is when all of the problems begin. It is however very hard to stay in the current moment. Our hopes and fears keep coming up and we keep slipping backward or forward in time. If time is a man made concept and everything only happens as it happens, not before or after, then it is easier to stay focused in the now.
It is interesting to read stories about people with amnesia who apparently forget who they are, and remember nothing from the past. It seems to be sort of like Alzheimer's only the self is lost all at once and can come back. All of these people should have it easy living in the moment but it seems the moment is really unavailable to them too. They appear to be worried about their confused little moment. There appears to be only confusion or angst, in their moments. The moment is wasted in worrying about what they should but do not remember or what they are missing by being unable to imagine a future.
They seem to live in the lost land of existing /not existing, never ever land.
Meditation promises to take us into the moment but I have never succeeded in losing my mind. Instead I lament and wonder why I cannot escape my thoughts, If you are worried about it you are not meditating. You are supposed to gently draw yourself back to your mantra, instead I jerk myself around and try to force myself back. I would much rather be consciously aware of what is happening now in the current moment. The sounds I hear, the colors I see, the softness of my pet's fur that I feel. Even the pain. I try to go into the pain rather than escape it, remembering right now I am O.K. and if I can get out of my thoughts and fears and just tune into my senses I can continue on and live in the moment.
Too often there are the moments of beauty and peace and Godliness and then we are jerked back to our hates and fears and belief systems. How can we come from meditation, church, a symphony, and experience of beauty, God, or realization, and be the same old stinky, corrupt and unforgiving persons we were before? The over the top experiences do not seem to change us.
This is why Priests and Pastors are forgiven for their transgressions and redemption is possible. It appears to be part of the human condition. As humans we visit the heights and descend to the depths
and carry only vague impressions of each state to the other. Whatever the conditions of either state. If I can only stay in the now I am O.K.
Friday, June 14, 2013
A most Curious Situation
Have you ever been curious about things? I have always felt like a cat who is curious about everything. I have been told that curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back. I am not sure if I will be brought back and I doubt I have nine lives but I have always been inordinately curious. I want to know everything. About everyone and everything. On a lazy day in India I once spent 3 hours following an ant to see where he lived. He eventually went into a hole by a Jasmin plant after a very slow and circuitous route. As you can see I have a life well spent.
My curiosity can encompass many different things but mostly I am interested in people. What has happened in their life? How were they raised? What did they feel? How do they feel/think? What are their likes and dislikes. Why, Why, Why. I can listen to someone talk for hours about themselves. Their past, their hopes, dreams, ambitions, marriage, singularity. My favorite types of books are, Duh, autobiographies, biographies and novels. Really, are there any other kinds of books? Oops, I forgot mysteries, I love them too. I do not like historical novels, science fiction or politics or history or romance novels. I will occasionally experiment with one of these but for the most part unless they are recommended, I ignore them. I do also like stories involving animals. True stories only. My Black Beauty, Bambi days are over, I am such a sap I always cry.
I am on the whole very unobservant. I do not notice what people look like, what they wear, what color eyes they have or other obvious visual signs. I am more interested in what they are like on the inside, and I do make a snap judgment based on what I instinctively feel. I am very interested in how people treat me. Do they look me in the eye? Do they have a solid handshake? Do they really see me or are they too much in their own heads? Are they looking around or over my head for someone more interesting to talk to? I am also very concerned with how they treat or talk about others. Are they nice to animals?
I could care less if someone is bald, limps, or has a physical handicap. Mostly I really do not even notice. But if you have an air of mystery about you or an unresolved conflict I cannot wait to find out more about you.
My curiosity can encompass many different things but mostly I am interested in people. What has happened in their life? How were they raised? What did they feel? How do they feel/think? What are their likes and dislikes. Why, Why, Why. I can listen to someone talk for hours about themselves. Their past, their hopes, dreams, ambitions, marriage, singularity. My favorite types of books are, Duh, autobiographies, biographies and novels. Really, are there any other kinds of books? Oops, I forgot mysteries, I love them too. I do not like historical novels, science fiction or politics or history or romance novels. I will occasionally experiment with one of these but for the most part unless they are recommended, I ignore them. I do also like stories involving animals. True stories only. My Black Beauty, Bambi days are over, I am such a sap I always cry.
I am on the whole very unobservant. I do not notice what people look like, what they wear, what color eyes they have or other obvious visual signs. I am more interested in what they are like on the inside, and I do make a snap judgment based on what I instinctively feel. I am very interested in how people treat me. Do they look me in the eye? Do they have a solid handshake? Do they really see me or are they too much in their own heads? Are they looking around or over my head for someone more interesting to talk to? I am also very concerned with how they treat or talk about others. Are they nice to animals?
I could care less if someone is bald, limps, or has a physical handicap. Mostly I really do not even notice. But if you have an air of mystery about you or an unresolved conflict I cannot wait to find out more about you.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
My Marriages-circa 1963/64
Srini got me a diamond when we were engaged, one month after we met. It was a surprise to me, but he wanted me to have what every other American girl had when they were engaged. We eloped in NYC, two months later. No wedding dress, no fluff. Just Srini and 2 witnesses and the Methodist pastor. Had renewing of the vows again in upstate NY, for my Mom and Dad because the date had been set before we eloped. Mom didn't want everyone to think I got married because I was pregnant(remember this was 1963). Got married again. Again, no fluff, no Wedding dress. I did wear a blue suit and heels. We had dinner in a restaurant then our family went bowling and Srini and I went to a motel. No one knew it wasn't out first wedding. I think there were 14 people including 4 kids, total at my second wedding. My third wedding was in India when we visited his parents the first time. They had a Hindu Priest come in, vows and prayers were exchanged, I wore a Sari and was presented with my marriage necklace of gold and black beads and thali. I was truly married but never pregnant. I loved my wedding ring and wedding necklace. My diamond, not quite so much. I had to keep it in the safe deposit box most of the time. I am like Eileen in that I don't like things I have to worry about losing. On the other hand I am unlike Eileen in that I love jewelry. I am like a magpie, attracted to bright sparkly stuff. I have always loved stones. I have collected them from driveways, fields, anywhere really, and from every place I have visit. Simple stones and rocks I always have around me. So enough about my materialistic ways. I have changed so much over the years and I am still evolving. I never wanted nunchucks, but I love knives and swords and jo s. My three happiest moments were when I married Srini, graduated from college, and received my black belt in Kazi Arashi Ryu.
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