My first loves

 It is about time I got back.  I am back because of a snarky remark about my make believe everything horses. I will come clean and tell the truth.  From the earliest times Imcan remember I was horse crazy.  I understand now it is a thing with some little girls but fo me it was about the most important thing in my life.  I read every book about horses I could find from Black Beauty, to all the Black  Stallion books  books to all the Golden Stallion books. I saved my allowance and pop bottle return money to by small glass horse figurines.  I amassed quite a collection over the years.  But most of all from the age of about seven I begged  my parents for a horse of my own.  Be careful what you ask for.  One golden fall evening, when I was about nine, I was told to stay in my room upstairs and study.  No interruptions.  Finally I was called downstairs and told by my dad to look outside.  I went to the screen door and saw a horse tied to the Apple tree at the top of the yard.  I couldn’t believe it.  I ran through the door and down to the horse and immediately threw my arms up around his neck.  I could barely reach him.  

Dad told me he was 199% my horse and after he would show me what to do he was my complete responsibility.  Pinocchio was a retired race horse.  A trotter and if any car went by he felt he had to race it.  Needless to say I was not allowed to ride my horse alone on the roads until I would become a much better rider.  At that point I had never even been on a horse.

From that first night when I I slept by my horse under the Apple tree he was my baby.  Alone,  I fed him, carried pails of water from our pump  on the hill to his stall in the barn almost an acre away.  I mucked out his stall every day, and put down fresh straw.  Curried him and petted him every day for hours after school.  He was my best friend and I told him all my secrets.  I would tie him to a maple tree at thr bottom of our yard on the mornings I had school.  There he would remain moviing in a large circle eating  grass and contemplating his retirement.  

Fall soon turned to winter and our lives became more restricted.  I would have to pour hot water in the pump to break up the ice and prime it before carrying the bucket of water down to his stall, mostly through Northern New York’s snow and ice.  After giving him food and water I would climb the hill to wash up and change clothes to get on the school bus.  I was the only child on the bus with the senior high students because the other kids went to country school. 

After school I would reverse the process; change clothes, get another pail of water and go down to muck out the stall and spend the remainder of the afternoon with my best friend.  Everyone was happy to see spring come that first year.  My mom’s heart was broken e struggle through the long winter with no help but I never complained.  

In the spring my dad thought it was too dangerous for me to have a house that wanted to race cars so without my feedback he traded Pinocchio for Pete.  He was another retired racing horse but he had been a pacer and was no longer interested in racing.  I loved Pete but he was not my first love and I really never got over Pinocchio.  I continued doing what I was doing for the horse thru the school year and throughout gh the long lovely summer vacation.  I spent the whole summer outside with Pete and loved every minute of it.  Then the school year started again.  In the fall my mom had a long talk with me and convinced me I really didn’t want to go through another winter like the last one.  Much as I loved having a horse it was really too much work for a little girl and I frankly had not bonded as much with Pete.  

So long story short we gave my horse t Mary Rafferty, a teenager on a farm about three miles away.  They also had a pinto pony as well as other livestock, so he was in good hands.  I was told I could visit my horse as much as I wanted and did make several trips before the winter again closed in.  

I no longer owned a horse but have never lost my love and feelings towards these wonderful, powerful, gentle creatures.

  

Angelina 8/01/2007-5/01/2021

 Our Little girl, Chihuahua, Angie, died today.  We have returned from taking her little body to the crematorium and are trying to now accept her loss.   Before I go more into her last days I want to remember her wonderful and special life.  

     Maria left her me for a few weeks while she moved from her house to an apartment.  It was to have been for a short time only , but as soon as Angie was left with me she began to follow me everywhere.  I had to be very careful when I stepped or turned around so I would not trip on her little body.  She was less than 7 lbs when she came to me and would not really eat for a few days.  I finally learned she would only eat or drink from white porcelain bowls.  Go figure.  Maria had brought little stainless steel bowls for her.  Nonetheless after trial and error we finally found it had to be white porcelain; no plastic either.  

     Srini was in the middle of a 4 month trip to India to help his sisters.  Maria brought Angie to me sometime in January and when I skyped Srini after she came,  I showed him the little dog.  He thought she was very cute and he said "oh no".  After a few minutes of him seeing me holding her  he said maybe I could ask Maria if I could keep her. I said I didn't think she could let her go.

     I did however ask Maria, and she was very relieved.  She had several other dogs and a cat and she was unable to keep them all in her new apartment.  So by the process of chance and good fortune Angie came to me to spend the rest of her life here on earth.  

     I have loved all of my other dogs and cats to distraction, but she was the first one to love me most.   Srini was always the first in the hearts and minds of all the others but Angie was the first, and last, to love me best.  She adored Srini and they always had very special times together.  He walked her and fed her and played with her and she would not give him a minutes rest.  Like Gilda Radner said "Its always something".  Angie tormented Srini from the time he got her off the bed in the morning until her last snack at night; she had him wrapped around her little paw.

     With me she was different.  She always had to know where I was and she always had my back.  She followed me when I went to the bathroom.  She slept on the sofa after her walk in the morning, but she knew I was on the computer.  from  9:30 to 10:00AM she would wake, want a snack, go out in the backyard and then come to sit by me in the rocking chair by the computer.  She would stay as long as I was there.  When I took a shower she would follow me to the bedroom and sleep on my pillow until I was done with my absolutions.  Then she would jump down or later be lifted down and follow me.  In the beginning of our relationship I took her everywhere with me.  Because she helped me to control my breathing; I held her when I had a panic attack, The Dr. gave me a note declaring she was my service dog. In the beginning I didn't have to drag oxygen with me wherever I went.  Angie was enough to help me get control of my breathing.  She went from supermarkets to church meetings with me.  I carried her in her little bag and strapped her into the seatbelt next to me.  Everyone loved her.  All my friends thought she was precious.  I had Bible Study in my house for many years and Angie would greet each of the members as they came.  Then she would sit on whatever lap appealed to her at the time.  She was the hit of the meetings and she always participated in coffee and cake after the meetings.  She got up when I got up and followed me to bed when I went to sleep.  Even in her last days when she was so sick she still followed me from room to room and to bed at night.  

     When a stranger knocked at the door or rang the bell she was all business.  She would bark like crazy, even after I let the service people in.  The only way I could quiet her was to hold her.  Then she relaxed cause she was protecting me.  When friends came to the door she would generally not bark because somehow she knew who was at the door.  We have a ring security camera and there is a ringer that buzzes in the house when anyone approaches the house.  She would always run to the door to check out the ringer unless it was an Amazon delivery.  Then she would not bother barking.  She would even leave her food to run to the door to protect us from invaders.  

     We always took her with us when we went to California visiting relatives or friends, Pam and Charlie in Morro Bay.  When Kumari and Nagaraj's daughter was engaged we stayed with them and they welcomed Angie.   When their daughter Priya, got married in San Jose. we all stayed in a hotel.  We left Angie with Pam and Charlie.  She loved her stay with them and sat in the home office with Pam while she worked from home.  They even took her for pictures with Santa. This  remains one of my favorite photos of her.

     We had many wonderful happy years with Angelina until the very last few weeks.  In the beginning she sat up in bed all night.  She would start to doze off and then catch herself and sit bolt upright.  This happened for about two days then she seemed to go back to normal.  I do not have the exact date but about a week and a half ago she suddenly swelled up in her stomach like a softball or small balloon.  I panicked and immediately did my google research.  there were about fourteen things which could have occurred and they were all deadly.  I check again and again, from website to website.  There was only one conclusion.  With Angela's age, almost 17,the answer would be euthanasian.  She was in no pain and followed her routines all normal.  She ate, peed, pooped, all normal.  She still followed me everywhere. We discussed possible outcomes and decided if she showed any pain we would immediately take her to a Vet.      The only difference was until this morning she did not want to go for her morning walk.  I kept checking her for signs of pain.  I even palpitated she stomach and she would just look at me. Last night again she was normal and this morning she wanted to go for her walk.  She went slowly with Srini to her familiar places on the block then they came home.  She ate her bacon strip and waited for me to lift her onto the sofa,  Srini was on the computer and I went outside to greet the morning as is my usual practice.  At 6:30 AM I heard Srini say "Oh Angela".  I knew from his voice there was something wrong and came immediately inside.  Angela was lying on the carpet.  She had jumped off the couch.  She was dead..  We both waited several minutes hoping for the best but fearing the worst.  Srini went and felt her little body  and she was indeed dead.   

     I am so grateful  she died at home and we did not have to make a decision to euthanize her.  It was what we both had prayed for: that she could die peacefully at home. So that is the story of Angela's little life and death, since we have had her.  She was actually born in Chihuahua, Mexico and I have always said she had papers because Maria gave me a little book with her first puppy vaccination's.  It was from a Vet in Chihuahua.  

     The end of the story is we took her to a PALS crematorium in Glendale.  She will be cremated separately from any other pets and her ashes will be returned to us within a week, in a small cedar box.  j

My Goodness, it sure has been a long time.  I got ill beginning January 2018. It has taken a long time to recover to the extent that I feel I might live a few years longer.  Of course there are no guarantees but given the choice of letting myself and my thoughts die to the world; and going on to share my thoughts and feelings for whatever time is left, I choose to move forward.  I have from time to time posted my thoughts on Facebook, in short little pieces but that is not really what I am about.  I never expected to live to see 2020.  Now only the creator knows how must time I still have left.  As my most favorite home philosopher said this morning " Everyone, and everything,  is given a certain number of moments in time to exist, within Eternity.   No one knows how long that will be or can change the result."  All one can really do is be unafraid in each moment and face each challange as it comes and hope one can live up to their own expectations.  Fear is our only true liability.
So I go forward with this blog for however long the urge moves me. With the hope my thoughts and experiences can prove useful, entertaining, moving, inspiring, or even worthy of mirth from my followers.  
I will send the occasional reminder on FB or through e-mail that I have again posted in the blog as I may not everyday.  I have many plans for the coming year but still I do not have the strength I would like to accomplish all of them.  Now that I can read books again(in large print or on Kindle I intend to read at least a few books a week.  I have rediscovered the wonders of Amazon Prime video and Netflix and I have to contain myself when I begin to binge watch a series,   I have purchased an armchair workout video (standing and holding onto chair) that I need to use at least 3 times a week.  In addition it is necessary that I eat meals and entertain my husband and my little dog.  Or be entertained by them, whichever comes first.  Then I do have my friends, Doctor appointments, the necessity of keeping up with Facebook and politics and a hundred other small time eaters in each day.  Even drinking the required amount of water and taking medicines eats into my available time.
Oh Lordy, I don't think I can handle all this.  We will just have to see what happens.  I know a shut-ins life cannot even to begin to compare to those of you still in the workplace or living your retirement dreams.  How we humans begin to accomplish all that we do in our few allotted moments is of continuing amazement, or is that amusement, for the Gods.
Well I shall end this for today  but I hope I have given some of you something to look forward to.

A Refugee from, what was once, Red China

As I think I might have mentioned before I am occasionally going to do a biographical sketch on past friends and acquaintances.  I do not want the people who influenced my life in either pleasant or negative ways to ever be forgotten.  At least by me.  The names will be changed to protect relationships.
There was a girl I knew who had escaped from Communist China named Ellen Chen.  She was part Japanese but spoke only Chinese and English.  As I remember she was from the mainland and her Chinese father and Japanese mother had escaped thru Taiwan with her and her brother David shortly after WWII.  She was only a few years older than I; and I was born in 1943.  For a number of years we were close friends.  We both worked at KLM, at the time, in Manhattan.  We lost touch after my husband and I left and moved to Long Island.  We became close because we were both interested in the lifestyles of the other and there was some kind of instantaneous attraction to one another.  Ellen was pregnant and I was invited to her baby shower at an apartment in Chinatown, NYC.  Her mom and the other ladies were very sweet and gracious but spoke almost no English.  Ellen didn't really have many friends her own age and none of them were at the family shower.  Ellen was crippled.  She had one leg bent and slightly shorter than the other and walked with quite a limp but didn't require a cane or other assistance.  I never asked what had happened and she never mentioned it.  Her husband had meet me at the subway when I arrived and walked me back to the subway when I left.  They were very concerned that I might get lost and not find someone to guide me who spoke English.
  Ellen"s husband, his name escapes me now, was cold and terse but very polite.  I thought he hated me but I most likely misread his reserve.  I remember the apartment I was at was functional and modern with almost no nick knacks or objects lying around and the food was conventional snacks and a shower cake  with a stork and baby on the front.  I guess I had expected something exotic with crickets in bamboo cages, and floor seating on mats.  I really knew nothing of Chinese culture at the time so drew on impressions from movies like "Sayonara", which was Hollywood Japanese.  Ellen and I gabbed together through the shower and the other ladies smiled and exclaimed softly when the presents were opened.  Everyone was a little off balance but a good time was had by all.
 Later Ellen had the most adorable little girl baby I thought I had ever seen.  Again, I do not remember the child's name.  I visited Ellen's apartment several more times after she had the baby. She and her husband had moved to a third floor walk-up apartment on 83rd street in upper Manhattan.  This was more like a place I had pictured in my minds eye.  The tiny kitchen was filled with Asian cooking vessels.  Ellen and her husband were vegetarian long before I became one and I remember she made a wonderful stir fried rice dish one of the times I visited her.  She never came back to work after she had her baby.  She also never came to my apartment because I lived in Queens and she was nervous about traveling out of her comfort zone of Manhattan.
As I mentioned we eventually lost touch but she was a dear friend and we had that sort of magical relationship that sometimes arises despite cultural and other lifestyle differences.

Being Human or Human....Being?????

I have been giving a lot of thought to my writing lately and what I am really called to write about.  I keep going down new roads trying to find what suits me and satisfies me most.  I feel as a political commentator I suck.  There are so many writers that I respect who are so much better and more well informed than I.  I try to give my informed opinion but so what?  Everyone has an opinion and I do not think I will change any minds anytime soon.  When I write about God, or Being I am on much more solid ground.  My degree in Philosophy, my study of comparative religions, my study of Christianity and Hinduism, and my own insights about what I write; ( which I truly believe are not just my own), have given me a lot more confidence in what I write.
Of course my own experiences and those of people I know do provide a rich ground for writing. When I was a kid I was told to write about what You know.  Well, unfortunately for many many years I felt I just didn't know enough about anything.  Now I know a lot more but I am nearing the end of my life, not the beginning.  So what and who do you know, and when did you know it becomes a question which looms large on my horizon.
I was speaking to a friend this morning about consciousness.  Now I believe everything is conscious to a smaller or larger degree.  We all tend to equate consciousness to humans and perhaps to some extent animals, but when it comes to plants it really gets iffy for most people.  I, on the other hand, believe even a rock or other supposedly dead, inanimate object is conscious.
Matter is made up of atoms, protons, neutrons , electrons, particles, waves, quarks, you name it it may have it.  So why not consciousness? Now, I do not have a degree in physics but it has been a life long interest of mine.  If the very act of observing a thing changes it's behavior, then to my untrained mind it displays consciousness.  The directional moves may be predetermined by the laws of physics, so what else is new. When I unconsciously move one of my feet, a part of my being which is conscious has caused the move.  Consciousness and unconsciousness are relative terms.
In my conversation with my friend this morning we were talking about universal mental consciousness. Because radio waves were  recently discovered in the broad scope of history, doesn't mean they did not exist before we found them.  The same with waves of consciousness. Because we cannot perceive these waves with our senses does not mean they do not exist.  I mentioned that when a product or idea is found it one country it is often found at about the same time in another country or part of the world. Ideas cannot belong to one individual even though we do try to patent them.  Ideas exist in the realm of consciousness, or as Plato would have said as a form.  There is nothing new under the sun; it is only left to us to discover it.
Therefore, and thusly and indubitably, I maintain we are humans being rather than human beings. The internal consciousness or soul, or being, as I like to refer to it, is moving and forming us as humans, rather that we humans simply being conscious.
Then we have the Creator, the ultimate Being and Spirit, our little piece of the Whole.  The One and it's Attributes, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.  Somewhere along the way is the Sacred fertile Goddess. the Holy Mother, Mother Earth.  Where is this all leading?  Follow along with me and perhaps we will enlighten you.

Pre-apocalyptic World ?

I am tired of the pre-apocalyptic messages we keep getting from all sides. ( The Christian right and ultra right extremists are happy.)  I think, they think,  Trump and his minions were chosen by God to bring about the end of the world.  If Trump kicks out and breaks up immigrant families who have made the US their home for many years,  and if he ends our trade agreements,  this will be a step towards massive economic chaos.  If he ends our environmental protection regulations and regulatory laws our whole country will decline.  If he succeeds in silencing our free press we will never find out about the collisions and atrocities which are being committed. If our Education system becomes private Lord only knows what will be taught.  It could be like the Muslim extremist schools where children are indoctrinated with hatred to others,  repeating and memorizing endless passages of the Koran.  If he turns off our European allies and gets into secret agreements with Russia he could bring our alliances abroad to an end.  If racist advisers gets their way Jews, Muslims, Blacks, racist whites, Hispanics and Asians will be pitted against one another and all our social services and social institutions will breakdown and divide against each other.  Groups will be forced to grasp for private funds to help their own particular interests and forget about working together for the common good. Terrorists will reek havoc against our divided fronts.  Brother against brother, neighbor against neighbor, city against city, state against state, country against country. Internal and external war of all against all, each trying to protect their own interests.
Oh, I could go on and on listing scenarios for division and duplicity which could be brought about by Trump and both his conscious and his unconscious allies, but I am tired of thinking about all this. Day after day the news gets worse in a never ending cycle of division and mayhem.  Like the Allstate commercials on Mayhem we seem unprepared to fight these things in a cohesive way.  We are being attacked on too many fronts and people are picking and choosing their battles and causes.  More and more fracturing of our American ideals broken into special interest groups.
I know Evils way is to divide us against one another and cause massive self interest and civil destruction.  The ending of the world as we know it.  The Evil one has plenty to work with.  Start a small fire here and there and soon the whole forest is ablaze.  How long will it take?  Can men and women of good will towards each other stop it.  From the apocalyptic view, at the end Jesus comes to the rescue and divides the saved from the heathen and all is well.
In real life, here on earth, no one wins.  The beautiful animal and plant world will be destroyed as well as both good and evil peoples.  Our fragile little planet will go on but it will be thousands or even millions of years before the toxic elements will be absorbed and new creatures perhaps unlike any we have ever known will begin to form from the deb re.  Will it be a better or worse planet, no one knows?  The kingdom of heaven is not here on our little planet.  It is deep within each of us if we search for and find it.  In the meantime Evil and Good forces swirl outside of us and it is up to each of us to decide which we choose to embrace. Our exterior world reveals our own internal battles.  Like a body with cancer on the inside is more and more eaten up with disease, our external body reveals the destruction by a pale, rotting exterior often with emotions to match.  Revelations happen within each of us.  The ancient Bible story is true only for each individual as his soul and heart are examined  It is our private battle to be redeemed or not.  We should not try to project this battle outside of ourselves to innocent bystanders: human, animal or plant.
A beautiful, harmonious earth can work for all of us.  Let us each search our self and come to terms with our own internal heaven and hell.  Leave the planet alone from our private religious battles and let the rule of order, law, nature, beauty, truth and justice prevail, however far from the ideals they might wander. 

Civil War

What does civil war mean?

Civil | Definition of Civil by Merriam-Webster

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/civil

1. Cached

1 : of or relating to citizens <civil rights> 2 : of or relating to matters within a country. 3 : of or relating to the regular business of citizens or government that is not connected to the military or a religion. 4 : polite without being friendly <Those men, they used to be best friends.

While trying to sleep this morning (4:00), the phrase Civil War, the war of brother against brother, neighbor against neighbor against neighbor, kept hazily moving through my brain.  The war of all against all; no friends, no enemies.  Why, and what does it all mean?  In our biblical folklore it began with Cain slewing Able.    Later we have the patriarch Abraham and his two sons Ishmael and Isaac, from whom many believe became the division between Jew and Muslim or Palestine and Israel.  Of course we are all familiar with the divisions between the same peoples.  African tribes selling other tribes into slavery.  Native American tribes at war with one another until they faced a common enemy in the new white settlers in the Americas. European boundaries shifting again and again throughout history.  The peoples of Asia fighting war against each other over and over.

It would appear the largest common denominator among men is their willingness to fight against their brothers, their tribes, and their peoples, spreading blood, carnage and war,  whether within or against families, or the world at large.   

I always found it strange that a family I know which has four children I have always seen the enmity they had against one another even as little children.  They always seemed to feel their mom and dad loved the other sibling better than they did  the one.  In the early days it was sister against sister and later brother against brother in this little family of four.  They presented a solid front against the world at large but seemed to really hate each other within the little family.  Christmas day used to be a nightmare as the children squabbled over who got the best presents and there were always tears and hurt feelings.  This enmity, by the way, has continued between the two girls to this day.  They are both born again ultra right conservatives, as are their husbands,  but they can hardly be in the same room together without fighting.  They say they all love each other but the emotions which separate them seem much stronger than the similarities in their belief systems.

My own sister and I used to have battles and hurt feelings but I used to think it was because of the eight year separation in our ages rather than innate rancor.  We fought as children and later as young adults but seem to have come to a commonality in our belief systems in our later years and we really do love each other.

I have tried and tried to reason out what circumstances can cause such difference in view among the same people or tribe but I am still at a loss.

I know it is not just culture because the difference in beliefs of far right Muslim, Christian, Jewish, Hindu and other religious groups comes down to restricting the freedom of the same things. Woman's rights, music, drugs, books, sexuality, you name it.   When it comes down to a difference of beliefs or opinion  they all act out in the same way.  The same is true for Liberals or Progressives.  Group think is the common ground for all parties. I really could go on and on as I have fought through these thoughts for many hours but the end of my conclusions is there cannot ever be any peace in this world.  It really is not about color, religion, culture, sex or anything else.  There is no reason to it among reasonable mankind.  Difference and righteousness are what it all seems to be about.  I know I am no different that anyone else in these groups.  I hate with the same intensity and seem to find almost nothing I can agree with on the other side.
Someday the lion and the lamb may indeed lie down together.  If animals are protected, have enough food and territory to live comfortably they do seem to become friends.  Mother cats nurse baby dogs and even mice, and chickens protect kittens under their wings.  There are so many animals videos out there of dogs and elephants and even lions and men and women who raised them, never losing their love and affection for each other.  I do not really understand animal behavior but I think I understand humans even less.
When a people who live in the USA with all the creature comforts one needs to survive continue to work totally against one another, I can only feel there is no hope for mankind.  There is enough wealth in this country to supply the highest standard of living for all of our people.  We would be required however to share the wealth which is alien to almost all of us.  Our differences separate us much more then our commonalities.   We all bleed when we are injured and require food, water and shelter to survive.  the actual differences between peoples are such superficial things as skin color, hair color, eye color, build and facial characteristics like noses, eye shape, lips etc.  Except where there is a physical problem we all have two of each arms, legs, feet and hands and two eyes and two ears.   I used to try and explain our differences by right and left brained people but science has proven me wrong here.
All humans react in the same ways to difference, inclusion and exclusion and  conservative or liberal mindsets.  The extremes of these commonly held views may be labeled tea party, libertarian, progressive or even as Whigs and Tories but they all break down to the same hatreds and misunderstandings no matter how we label them.  Human kind will not ever come together and all we can ever hope for is relative peace among our peoples.
So what can we do with this dismal situation?  I really believe prayer is important for each individual to come to grips with his or her own nature: and that peace can only be held by an individual who is willing to give himself up for the needs of others.  Our heroic models for peace all shared one thing in common, they were willing to lay aside their own interests and sacrifice their lives for others.  The rest of us are left with our shitty little self interests flawed relationships until our Creator intervenes.