My Goodness, it sure has been a long time.  I got ill beginning January 2018. It has taken a long time to recover to the extent that I feel I might live a few years longer.  Of course there are no guarantees but given the choice of letting myself and my thoughts die to the world; and going on to share my thoughts and feelings for whatever time is left, I choose to move forward.  I have from time to time posted my thoughts on Facebook, in short little pieces but that is not really what I am about.  I never expected to live to see 2020.  Now only the creator knows how must time I still have left.  As my most favorite home philosopher said this morning " Everyone, and everything,  is given a certain number of moments in time to exist, within Eternity.   No one knows how long that will be or can change the result."  All one can really do is be unafraid in each moment and face each challange as it comes and hope one can live up to their own expectations.  Fear is our only true liability.
So I go forward with this blog for however long the urge moves me. With the hope my thoughts and experiences can prove useful, entertaining, moving, inspiring, or even worthy of mirth from my followers.  
I will send the occasional reminder on FB or through e-mail that I have again posted in the blog as I may not everyday.  I have many plans for the coming year but still I do not have the strength I would like to accomplish all of them.  Now that I can read books again(in large print or on Kindle I intend to read at least a few books a week.  I have rediscovered the wonders of Amazon Prime video and Netflix and I have to contain myself when I begin to binge watch a series,   I have purchased an armchair workout video (standing and holding onto chair) that I need to use at least 3 times a week.  In addition it is necessary that I eat meals and entertain my husband and my little dog.  Or be entertained by them, whichever comes first.  Then I do have my friends, Doctor appointments, the necessity of keeping up with Facebook and politics and a hundred other small time eaters in each day.  Even drinking the required amount of water and taking medicines eats into my available time.
Oh Lordy, I don't think I can handle all this.  We will just have to see what happens.  I know a shut-ins life cannot even to begin to compare to those of you still in the workplace or living your retirement dreams.  How we humans begin to accomplish all that we do in our few allotted moments is of continuing amazement, or is that amusement, for the Gods.
Well I shall end this for today  but I hope I have given some of you something to look forward to.

A struggle with understanding

I have recently been engaged with an internal struggle about what has happened to my sister.  The past several years she has become very stressed and more and more forgetful.  Of course all of us struggle with stress and it is the bane of most of us as we get older to struggle to remember names and words which only come to us later.  I for one am quick to substitute words like thingy , thing a ma gig, what's it, that woman, honey or even sqigamahala (my own word for things whose names remain elusive).  Of late or the last year my sister does not recognize the man she lives with as her husband of 60 years.  She knows his name is Gene, but not her Gene.  She will insist  there is a stranger in her house and she will demand from time to time proof that he is really Gene.  When she is shown  papers like Drivers Licence, etc, she will insist anyone could have those made.  Jackie was always a great fan of mystery stories, puzzles and crosswords and she definitely knows of what she speaks regarding fake identification.  Jackie has been diagnosed with Dementia.
When I call her on the phone she seems normal for the most part with an occasional lapse into forgetfulness which really seems to bother her.
For my own understanding I have looked up the differences between dementia and Alzheimer's and the best short description I am quoting below:
 " According to the Alzheimer’s Association, Alzheimer’s Disease is a specific type of dementia caused when high levels of certain proteins inside and outside brain cells make it hard for brain cells to stay healthy and to communicate with each other. This leads to the loss of connections between nerve cells, and eventually to the death of nerve cells and loss of brain tissue.

 "Here's the major  difference between Alzheimer’s Disease and dementia — when an individual is diagnosed with dementia, they are diagnosed based on their symptoms without actually knowing what's behind the symptoms. In Alzheimer’s disease, the exact cause of the symptoms is understood. In addition, Alzheimer's disease is not reversible, whereas some types of dementia, such as those caused by nutritional problems or a drug interaction, can be reversed."                                                                                                                                                                I only wish my sister's disease which has been diagnosed as dementia could be, at least partially,  reversed.  I have had extremely vivid dreams the last 10 years.  They are like stories which can be interrupted and continued.  If I wake in the middle of a dream to go to the toilet, when I return I can go right back into and continue my dream.  The dreams are extremely realistic and most often involve people I know or family members.  There are a large number of themes and they keep recurring.  I will list only a few:  my mom is alive and alone and living is a specially constructed house in upstate NY.  She is divorced from my father, who sometimes has remarried, or is sometimes still married to mom.  Sometimes I have gone to visit my sister, in a sprawling estate which encompasses a lot of acres of woods and mountains.  Sometimes this property is in NY State and sometimes it appears to be in a state like the Carolina's or Tenn.  The actual house is always in disrepair, filled with unknown distant relatives, Jackie has gone out shopping or some kind of cult religious meeting with her daughter.  I am trying to clean the kitchen, find food and deal with various relatives I don't know.   As I mentioned before there are several dozens of themes and settings but they keep recurring and are rich with details and conversations and locations.  They always take different forms regardless of the particular theme and often involve arguments and conversations with relatives I have experienced problems with. I am always fascinated with these stories in my dreams and I want to go back into them to see how they come out or what is going to happen next.  They are extremely clear when I am in them but when I try to explain a dream to others I can only remember a few details and they are confusing.  When I was speaking to my Nephew the other day and he was explaining what Jackie sometimes experiences as her reality, I was struck by the similarity to my dreams.                                                                                                                        It occurred to me that it sounded like she was experiencing some sort of a dream or fugue state.  She recognizes the characters in her state but their reality is different.  She sees as if through a fog or dream and her people are sometimes who they really are and are sometimes very different from the persons she has known and loved.  This can be in the same waking time frame.  she will recognize, remember and talk to Kenny or Debbie and yet not recognizer Gene.   Even when they are sitting and eating at the same dinner table.  Gene is a nice man but simply not the Gene she was married to for 60 years.                                                                                                                  In my dreams the people are not the same ones I know in my waking life either.  They are either much nicer or nastier and appear in different settings than I have ever experienced waking.  Can this be somewhat like string theory or parallel lines which never meet, but in reality do meet???????
  I guess this is my theory to integrate reality, fugue states and dementia, a tapestry. 

     What is string theory in 10 words or less, by bgreene"It's an attempt to unify all matter and all forces into one mathematical tapestry."       

Going mad with anger and sadness

I do not know anymore how to react with people whom I dearly love and have long term relationships. Precious friends, beloved family members, church members, neighbors, etc.etc.
I just do not know how to handle the fact that people that I love and respect in so many ways can have such hurtful and mean attitudes towards others. 
I remember one of the first lessons I learned at home was not to argue about religion or politics.  My grandfather was a Democrat and my grandmother was a Republican.  They each went to vote and canceled each other's votes.  One year they agreed not to vote, but grandma saw my grandfather slip away from the house.  She followed him to the election hall, and she too cast her vote.  So much for agreements.  Some of my friends seem to just accept their partners divergent views and  seem to go along happily doing their own thing.  Some people just have good will about their differences, laugh about it and accept each other just the way they are.  It is like some people have cats and others have dogs and some have both, but it never leads to contention.  Most of our differences can be accepted with good will continuing to others who feel or like or even love differently.
Then there are the differences which cause sorrow, hurt, pain, conflict, wars and eventually death.  Respect dies, values die, people die, animals die and species become extinct; nature  and even the environment changes.  All over are differences which we just seem unable to resolve.
We have free will, whether one believes in evolution, or a God view, or both.  This free will and our culture, genes, family etc. allow our differences to separate us and make each of us unique. Alone, however, we are just too alone, so we want to bond with others who appear to be most like us, either physically or mentally.  We form gangs, groups, bands of brothers, sororities, fraternities, and communities with others who are like us.  Most groups have a special separation ritual with those who disagree with them, or really are different than them inside,  or with those who break the rules.  There are rituals for excommunication,  shunning, segregation, exportation, and then there is the plain old bullying, cold shouldering, ignoring, etc which leads to ostracizing and other punishments.
There is constant, hideous discrimination against difference and opposition  within each culture, civilization, country, even states and cities, villages and townships.
What to do, what to do?  How can one live, grow, enjoy the moment and even experience contentment within a world filled with such hatred and separation.  It is a lot more then just not talking about religion or politics, although both occupy so much of the American energy today.  It is like trying to surmount immovable objects between individuals and others.  Sexual identity, economic theories, social movements, fashion, music, cultural norms, arts and books, and so many, many other things we live with and through everyday; and differ on our values and beliefs about..  There is a magazine, or publication, or app for every interest or situation, prurient or other.  Anything can be found on the web and beamed one way or the other into our brains and our being.  Instead of just learning from and enjoying our differences we become locked or fixed into just a few and reject anything that differs. 
I am just as guilty of this as anyone else. I pray to my creator for forgiveness for not just appreciating each and everything he has likewise created, but for actively resisting and even hating the parts and thoughts of others who differ from me.  I too, get fixed in my own mindset and beliefs and get very angry and push back when challenged in anyway.  I want to run or escape from friends, and society, and civility goes out the window when I feel strongly about something and someone else does not agree.  I visualize becoming a hermit, or a mad woman on a hill screaming about injustices.  Why am I the only person who can see the right action or path?  What is wrong with those on the other side? 
I think of all the martyrs who have stood up and died for their ideas and belief.  From Socrates, to Jesus, to King and to Gandhi and so many more.(how come so few women?) There are many others(now we see the women) who just live for their beliefs: Mother Theresa, Susan B. Anthony, Harriet Tubman, Eleanor Roosevelt, and so forth.
I neither live not die for my beliefs, I just get angry, nasty and sarcastic. 
If I can only realize internally and take to heart all that which I have stated above.  In the midst of confusion, anger, fear and even death I must retain my central core of who I believe I am.  I am gentle, loving and caring and concerned for my fellow beings.  I want to cast out evil and feel only love or concern for my neighbor and my enemy(or those who feel or think differently than I).  To quote Jesus: 
 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor^[a] and hate your enemy.’ ⁴⁴ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, ⁴⁵ that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. ⁴⁶ If you love those who love you, what reward will you get?

Diet and insanity

I have been on a diet from September 9th, 2013 and I am beginning to lose my enthusiasm.  When I was young I could lose 5lbs the first week and 2 lbs a week thereafter.  All I had to do was stay on the diet.  By the way, have you like me tried every diet under the sun?
The first diet I remember was my mom sending me to school with cottage cheese and canned fruit in a little container for my lunch.   I was still in grammar school then.  The next diet I remember was the fat and protein diet.  My mom included my sister and me in her diet and it was butter, bacon, sour cream, whole milk , eggs, meat/meat/meat, and lots of tuna fish.  When you could not have carbs to go with the butter all the fat became old very fast.  I loved tuna fish but I preferred it in a sandwich rather than a can with the oil coating it.  None of us could maintain that diet very long.  Later, after I left home,  mama found the weight watchers diet.  It became her diet of choice for the rest of her life.  She tried to engage me in the diet and I did try several times over the next 50 years but I never got into it.  It was just too much food, and boring.  I wanted quick results like when I first arrived in NYC.
 I stayed at the Webster Hotel for Women, on 34th street and 9th avenue.  I want to tell you all about those days later but for now: breakfast and dinner were included in the weekly rate and I stayed there for 3 months.  In that 3 months I lost 30 lbs.  I was the thinnest I ever remember being.  The food was so bad at the Webster you couldn't pay rats to eat it.  Breakfast would seem easy but......  The toast was always cold and stacked in trays.  They served our good friend Marge, with it(colored oleo). They had a pot of over cooked gluey oatmeal and a pitcher of  milk and a bowl of white sugar next to it.  There was a tray of poached eggs swimming in lukewarm water, and a large bowl of hard boiled eggs.(sometimes they were undercooked and still soft in the middle.  They had pitchers of watered down orange juice, weak coffee, and tea bags with barely hot water.  All I can think was they must have really tried hard to make it as bad as it was.  This was the first I knew of institution food and I was not happy.  I would go to the dining room and grab an apple and a hard boiled egg to take for lunch and run out the door.  There was always a monitor there who made sure you didn't take more than one of each thing.
Dinner was even worse.  I can't remember all the fabulous dishes but they ranged from greasy meatloaf, to poached fish, to heaven only knows what  casseroles, to occasional stringy beef or fatty pork, served with bland and lumpy mashed potatoes and warmed over, tasteless vegetables like string beans, peas, carrots, and wilted salads. 
I was very poor the first 3 months because out of my $63.00 a week I had to pay the agency fee that found me my first job, and pay for my hotel room and board. 
I used to eat practically nothing.  I could not afford to buy extra food, though I could manage to pay for cigarettes and coffee.  Fortunately or not both were cheap at the time.  I walked to work and back and it was about 25 blocks each way.  One day, early in my enforced diet, I will never forget.  I had bought a  salt pretzel from a  vendor and covered it with mustard.  As I was walking and munching a man stopped me and said "what is a fat girl like you doing eating pretzels?"  I was so hurt, even as I was also so hungry, and I bawled all the way back to the hotel.  After that experience I no longer ate anything on the street, but would take it instead to my room. 
The weight came off so easy when I was slowly starving and later I was so happy I seldom had any desire to eat.  Finally, when I got an apartment with my first roommate, I could still not afford much for food.  I would buy elbow noodles and tuna fish and butter and cheap white bread.  I would eat the noodles with butter, salt and pepper for supper and carry tuna sandwiches for lunch.  I also had peanut butter and jelly.  I just had coffee for breakfast.
I was able to maintain my weight loss, except for a few lbs either way until after I married, went to India, and came home to a dead mother.( again, more about that later ). 
I ate to comfort myself and also went up to 3 packs of cigarettes a day.  The six months after mama died were the worst months of my lie.  I loved her so.  I would wake up with nightmares, and crying for a year after her death and poor Srini really didn't know how to handle me.  He was just quietly always there to hold and comfort me and we eventually got through it.
Then the constant rounds of dieting began again in earnest.  Up and down I would go.  the cabbage soup diet, fasting every other day, Weight Watchers, the Woman's Day diet, the Family Circle diet, the Atkins's diet, The low carb diet, the high fat and protein diet, diet pills, lemon juice and water, vinegar and water.  You name it, I have tried it.  It became a little more difficult after 1976 when I became a vegetarian.  I would have to tweak each diet to find non-meat proteins to substitute. 
I have found through my vast experience that a 1000-1200 calorie a day diet works best for my eating habits and restrictions.
So I am at it again.  I get tired of jumping on the scale and seeing it not move.(it must be broken or stuck), but alas, it is not. The older you get, the harder it is to lose weight as everything seeks it's own level and stays there. I have however,  a very firm commitment to lose 20 lbs.  I will still be too heavy but this time I am not doing it for vanity, but to breathe easier.  Since I am at my limit for medications all I can do is try to improve the rest of myself.  Now that autumn is here I can walk more and at least get some exercise.  So wish me well my friends.  It is a long haul and a heavy load to carry, but carry on I must.  We will discuss this again after 13 more lbs.

So What?...you say

I dreamed about high heels last night and how I used to love them.  I used to wear them 3-4 inches high and absolutely loved my shoes.  I wore them on the subway and on the concrete streets of NYC.  I wore them at work and dancing.  I honestly could not understand when the phase of wearing sneakers and walking shoes on the subway and to work began.
My heels were thin and high and in many different colors.  I had a pair of brown stacked leather heels I loved.  I had spectators, open toed, leather, black patent leather, woven, everything but vinyl or plastic.
I did try Earth Shoes when they first came out, but hated their unglamourous looks.  Later, when my feet first started bothering me I lowered the height of my everyday shoes to 2 inches and wore open toes.  I began to see a podiatrist every six weeks in the 80's.  My insurance paid and I was still a happy camper.  When I left my company, moved and could no longer afford the podiatrist I switched to pair after pair of shoes I thought might be comfortable, but none worked.  By this time I had corns on the top of my hammertoes, corns on the bottom of the ball of my foot and bunions on both feet:  also ingrown toenails.  My feet had callouses and were a real mess and hurt all the time.  It was about this time I started on a collection of Birkenstock.  They were much better but I still couldn't get rid of the corns on the ball of my feet.
Finally, I discovered Crocs, and life has never been the same since.  I love these ugly shoes and own them in many colors to go with my outfits.  I have silver, gold, several pairs of black, 2 pair of sandals, as well as brown, green, and dark green crockskin.  My feet are now comfortable and I can walk again without pain.  Friends of mine have said they would never wear such ugly shoes, but do you think I care? 
As I mentioned at the beginning I have ever had a love affair with shoes.  Now it is pocketbooks.  I collect them but have been trying to restrain myself, and have not bought one in over a year.
In my dream last night it was very real, like a dialogue with shoe designers.  I was telling them that while  people always say women's legs look better in heels it isn't necessarily so.  If you got fat ugly ankles or calves, or god forbid crankles, high heels make you look no better.  Wear long pants and do not worry about it.  Design beautiful flat shoes with wider toe boxes and that women should never wear any kind of heels with long pants or jeans.  It is just silly. If you have lovely long legs guys will notice them in flat shoes, and again, heels are not necessary.
I told this to the designers in my dream but it is up to women to smarten up for themselves.  Think about it!  It is just advertising.  Most cultures didn't show the female leg and those that did had them barefoot in short African, Hawaiian or batik dress.  We do not need to ruin our feet like they did when they bound and deformed the foot for an idea of beauty.

Book Review- Zealot by Reza Aslan

This is going to be just cover a few examples as I do not wish to spend more time than this subject is worth.  I read, I thought, I didn't like.

The author is a very well recognized scholar and as such I was prepared to accept his historical facts.  I think I do accept them.  I have read about zealots in other places as well as the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem, and Masada, etc. etc.    I doubt very much that the facts are wrong.  I cannot stand however,  his own opinions, which he freely expounds upon, concerning the New Testament.  He takes a piece of text and puts layers and layers of his own theories and ideas over it, and promotes it a historical fact.
He suggests that Jesus was a disciple of John the Baptist, and worse that the 40 days Jesus spent in the wilderness was when Jesus was following John with his other disciples. Whatever the 40 days were or meant, there is NO historical evidence that Jesus first followed John. This is pure, or should I say impure, opinion. There is even no historical evidence that Jesus the man of the New Testament even existed ; so where does this author get off.
He suggests that the Kingdom of God, is a call to arms to overthrow the Romans and that he, Jesus, wanted to be the earthly King of the Jews.
I am sick of it.  I do not wish to expound on the unhistorical opinions the author holds anymore.  He pisses me off.  Read the book if you will but this guy is delusional in his theories and opinions and his hubris.   

Gotta get rhythm

I got to get in a rhythm for posting.  We know with me there is no rhyme or reason, but rhythm is necessary for you all to know when to check blog for something.  So I am making a pact with you all to post on Monday and Friday.  Anything on other days will be a bonus.  I do not know who will think it is a bonus, but as Clay Thompson would say, "there you have it". I just love this guy and hope is back to his usual snarky column soon.
I just want to let you all know that I so much appreciate all of you loyal followers.  It is so good to have my crazy voice being heard.
I am posting entirely too much on Face Book.  Mostly sharing things or thoughts I see and love.  Unfortunately every time I share something to my timeline it gets posted on my homepage also and my friends who have no interest in the things I share are going to get angry at me taking up so much room.  Also things stay posted for such a short time that unless you go to my actual timeline you may miss all the profundities.  Such a quagmire this places me in.  To share or not to share.  This is the question.  I will have to see about posting more on Pinterest,  ISO FB.  So this is a short talk as I think about how I handle everything.  Are you not amazed by the problems I create for myself.  I was told in High School, when I took a test to determine what my interests were and what type of job I should train for; that I was too immature to take the test( don't you just love using semi colons).  I had too many diverse interests.  This is still unfortunately true today.  A single minded focus leads to success in one's field of endeavor.  Diverse interests lead for me to a world full of wonder, imagination, love and diversity.  I guess I do not mind so much not being successful.