O.K. I have to get this off my chest. I have done it again. Hurt someone who is vulnerable and never deserves to be hurt. Especially by a opinionated, acid tongued, gadfly like me.
Not only did I hurt this person but she pointed out , quite pointedly, several others I have hurt recently with my humorous ( I think I am so damn funny), sarcastic, criticism. I have always known I used humor to supposedly soften the blow of criticism. It has recently come home to me in a very powerful way, that I use this trick to say anything I want to criticize and blame others. I can then say "don't take me seriously, no one else does). This way I can get out of being called out for my nasty remarks and if someone does remark I can say " They have no sense of humor".
Oh, my Lord, I just feel so bad inside. I love to say how I follow Christ but there is nothing Christlike in what is my most common method of dealing with behavior I am angry or hurt or upset about. I hide my disappointment, rejection, criticism, and other less than honorable feelings, behind what I call humor. I talk freely about being the big mouth in the group who will say anything to get a point across and try always to tell it like it is. Unfortunately,it isn't, like it is. It is only my observation or perception of how it is.
I am always so confident that the way I see it is the right way, that I will self-justify almost anything to get my point of view out there. I cannot just quietly disagree or hide my displeasure about something or someone. In the interest of Truth I have to let it all out there. I am very judgmental but I constantly try to hide it. Even if I, rarely, should not say anything, my facial expressions give me away all the time. The longest running argument I have with my (long suffering) husband, is about my face. Of course I never can see myself when I put on the expression but an old colleague used to say he would hate to see my eyes above dueling pistols, and my niece used to say " Stop sucking your teeth and glaring at me ". My husband calls it " the look" I always plead I am not thinking anything bad and it is only their perception, but of course it is my look.
I really do not even know how to change. Recognizing the problem is only 20% of the battle. Incorporating real change in behavior is the other 80 %. I know what I am discussing here is no secret to any of you, my friends, colleagues and family. I am not looking for your acceptance or generosity in any comments you might want to make.
My purpose here is mainly to say that if I have done this ( and I know I have ) to any one of you, I am genuinely sorry. I will try to be more mindful in the future. If I say something out of line, please call me on it.
I am unable to change or rectify the past and all I can really do is try to recognize and change my behavior, and the internal mechanisms and insecurities which generate my behavior. I do not know how successful I will be as I am 71 years old and this has been with me since my childhood.I do not have a lot of time left, Hope, however, does spring eternal and Easter is a time for forgiveness and new beginnings. The first step will be if I can ever forgive myself for hurting gentle creatures who seldom hurt others.
