Monday, April 6, 2015

OOPs, I did it again.

O.K. I have to get this off my chest.  I have done it again.  Hurt someone who is vulnerable and never deserves to be hurt.  Especially by a opinionated, acid tongued, gadfly like me.
Not only did I hurt this person but she pointed out , quite pointedly, several others I have hurt recently with my humorous ( I think I am so damn funny), sarcastic, criticism.  I have always known I used humor to supposedly soften the blow of criticism. It has recently come home to me in a very powerful way, that I use this trick to say anything I want to criticize and blame others.  I can then say "don't take me seriously, no one else does). This way I can get out of being called out for my nasty remarks and if someone does remark I can say " They have no sense of humor".
Oh, my Lord, I just feel so bad inside.  I love to say how I follow Christ but there is nothing Christlike in what is my most common method of dealing with behavior I am angry or hurt  or upset about.  I hide my disappointment, rejection, criticism, and other less than honorable feelings, behind what I call humor.  I talk freely about being the big mouth in the group who will say anything to get a point across and try always to tell it like it is.  Unfortunately,it isn't, like it is.  It is only my observation or perception of how it is.
I am always so confident that the way I see it is the right way, that I will self-justify almost anything to get my point of view out there.  I cannot just quietly disagree or hide my displeasure about something or someone.  In the interest of Truth I have to let it all out there. I am very judgmental but I constantly try to hide it. Even if I, rarely, should not say anything, my facial expressions give me away all the time.  The longest running argument I have with my (long suffering) husband, is about my face. Of course I never can see myself when I put on the expression but an old colleague used to say he would hate to see my eyes above dueling pistols, and my niece used to say " Stop sucking your teeth and glaring at me ".  My husband calls it " the look" I always plead I am not thinking anything bad and it is only their perception, but of course it is my look.
I really do not even know how to change.  Recognizing the problem is only 20% of the battle. Incorporating real change in behavior is the other 80 %.  I know what I am discussing here is no secret to any of you, my friends, colleagues and family.  I am not looking for your acceptance or generosity in any comments you might want to make.
My purpose here is mainly to say that if I have done this ( and I know I have ) to any one of you, I am genuinely sorry.  I will try to be more mindful in the future.  If I say something out of line, please call me on it.
  I am unable to change or rectify the past and all I can really do is try to recognize and change my behavior, and the internal mechanisms and insecurities which generate my behavior.  I do not know how successful I will be as I am 71 years old and this has been with me since my childhood.I do not have a lot of time left, Hope, however, does spring eternal and Easter is a time for forgiveness and new beginnings. The first step will be if I can ever forgive myself for hurting gentle creatures who seldom hurt others.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015


For some reason today I am extremely nostalgic.  For places I have been and lived, and places I have never been and never was lucky enough to experience, except vicariously.  Sometimes I think my being has been before or has lived various lives, consecutively.  I have dreams which feel more real than actual(?) reality.  I have dreams which play through my head like movies with plots and characters which seem to be not, nonsensical, but vivid and totally real.  I wake to go to bathroom and go right back into the time and place of the dream.
This morning I am carried to my pinterst page because of all the wonderful places I would like to slip my being into right now.  Like a warm rainy morning in Paris with coffee and a cigarette, sitting sheltered by an awning in front of the small shop. Or being in the Netherlands in a tiny hotel which had their continental breakfast served on the half floor above, reached by five steps.  They have a cheese platter, fruit platter,  all sorts of breads and pastries, real butter and cream and jam and the best hot chocolate I have ever had; served in large cups poured from a real silver carafe.
The Webster Hotel in NYC was visited this morning with remembrance of cuddling in the beau visiting rooms with young men I cannot remember the names or faces of. Said young men cast aside after a single but memorable cuddle. Today's youth could not begin to understand how innocent I was back in the day.  The Webster holds so many memories of the first 3 months I spent in NYC.  It was a dream come true for me and I loved every moment of my complete freedom from everything I had ever known but dreamed about from the time I was 4 years old.  A small girl walked with her grandpa through downtown Punxsutawney, and as they walked by the hotel window she said " Someday I will stay in big hotels and smoke cigarettes and drink cocktails ," And so it came to be in wonderful ways I could not have anticipated.  I have stayed in lovely old hotels all over the world and was known to have smoked and drinked in most of them, ( I know, I know, but I liked the past tense of drinked much better than drunk),
I remember the log cabin in the woods my father built for hunting.  He and a bunch of other men built the cabin for trips during deer season but I heard tell more than deer were hunted in the local bars of the Adirondacks.  But never mind all that.  My girlfriend Christa, and I, went to the cabin to stay for a week my junior year in high-school.  We took food, books and a Monopoly board set and had more fun then I would have believed possible.  We had to fetch water from the little spring down the hill and use the outhouse in the back, behind the cabin.  There were only oil lanterns and a wood burning stove.  No running water but there was a propane gas stove we could cook simple meals on.  The spring acted as our refrigerator. We would put food in plastic or glass and drop them in the little pool to keep cold.  During the day we explored the woods(Flora and fauna and all that), and at night play games of Monopoly.  We drank coffee, ate cheese, beans and crackers and had the idyllic time of our lives.  We had no phones or other devices, but we were both good talkers, jokers and loved to sing, so the time just flew by.  We vowed we would do the same again the following year but I think it was a once in a childhood experience that could not have been duplicated.
So many memories and experiences frame my thoughts today but the above is enough to give you a taste of my inner world of nostalgia..

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Thinking about Spirit

As I was on my computer, early this AM, I also said a morning prayer.  Not the first of the morning as I try to pray continuously.(impossible for me at all times, but at every time I think of it).
Anyway, I began to wonder when Mankind first began to worship the God within, The Holy Spirit, or just Spirit.
I thought of ancient man worshiping trees and rocks and animal spirits.  I thought of Greek and Roman Gods like Zeus, etc. I thought of the Jewish un-named God, Yahweh, I thought of the Muslim God Allah. I thought of Hindu Gods like Krishna; and  Buddha.
Most, if not all of these Gods were and are worshipped externally.  They are worshiped as mountains, statues, at Holy places like Mecca and Jerusalem, and countless other places around the world which are deemed to represent the dwelling place of God.  Temples, synagogues, churches.  Countless fields( Stonehenge), mountains, waters( like the Ganges), many, many Spirit filled places.
God has appeared to men and women, and even children, in dreams, visions and prophesies, altered states and told them many things, instructions, the future, etc. 
I wondered when however, the first of humankind began to worship the God within each one of us? How and when did the external become internal as well, or was it always so? 
This is not a learned discussion.  I have done no research, not do I intend to. Far better and more educated minds than mine have most likely thought about, written about and discussed this question.My thinking tells me that we acknowledged this Spirit within as God when Jesus said
And I will send to you my Spirit of Truth.

"But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come.

John 16:12-14

I welcome your comments and feedback.  PooBah

Friday, February 6, 2015

I had a prophetic? dream

I had a dream last night and saw a diorama of Revelations 12:12.  I had gone home to Potsdam and my parents were still alive.  I was helping my mom make her bed and the comforter was much too wide and really misshapen.  I asked her why she had that one and she said it was the only one she could get on sale. Our two bedrooms were connected with a door between and the stairs came up into my bedroom. (This was the same as in my youth.)  My parents had the side bedroom and I had the one at the top of the stairs.
  I went to the door between our rooms and noticed large diorama set into the area between the window and my closet. It was a little stage set all done in dark shadows and grey white ash.  There was a burned building structure covered with grey ash. The structures of the neighboring trees, their trunks and branches were all covered in grey ash.  The landscape was also covered in ash but the underlying structures could be made out of  contrast dark shadow to the white ash.  There was no life in the diorama anywhere.  I said what is this and was answered by a voice saying Revelations 12:12. 
Now, I do not like the book of Revelations and have never read the book completely, only skimmed it..  I have always felt it was an allegorical struggle between the Romans and the Jews and forecast the end of Jerusalem.
I woke up with the words " Revelations 12:12" ringing in my ears.  Since the words are still there and I looked up the verse, I felt I had better write about it.

Saturday, January 31, 2015

An irreverent and perhaps irrelevant, formation of a new religious

I am starting my own religion.  I shall call it the Religion of All for All.  It has always existed and always will, for God is Eternal and Infinite.  Always Was, Is and Will be and never was not
No thing doesn't exist and could not exist because existence implies being and being is inherent to itself.  So here it is, all in all.
It is a religion inclusive of all creation.  Unfortunately there are those will not choose to participate in our fellowship.  Those individuals and groups are ones who have either exclusive, or no beliefs, or those whom through nature or nurture are incapable of recognizing the beauty and majesty of creation.  These creatures choose to go it alone and spurn the laws and principles of the goodness and fellowship of all living beings.
In our religion we know that all things or beings are conscious to some greater or lesser degree.  The principles will be explained in great detail later in the religious publications but for now little explanation is called for. We also know that all life is incredibly valuable. We know this because we have eyes to see and ears to hear and bodies which feel pain and minds which experience even more pain. Self exclusion from the church occurs because of conscious or unconscious choice not to accept our laws and principles.
If one chooses because of whatever rational, to deliberately and mercilessly harm or kill another with no compassion or regret, then they have self-excluded from our religion.
Murderers, rapists, child molesters, merciless farmers and slaughter houses, corrupt politicians, child, animal or human abusers; and others who choose to exclude themselves because they do not accept the inclusiveness of All for All.
There is only one creator God, there are many gods humans create out of their hopes, desires, and dreams. The gods of the great and known religions who exclude their fellow creatures from inclusions and rites in their churches are self-excluded.  Yes,  there are many men and women touched by God who express to the best of their abilities, truths and insights they feel God has imparted to them. How many are Truly Touched in this way instead of just being touched., we may never know.  There are enough examples of false prophets that we must always be leery of ones who exclaim the exclusive truth  and then exclude others from their fold.  We must also accept those who are sincere and seeking and feel they have found another religion which more expresses their beliefs.  There is noting to my mind which excludes a sincere individual who intends no harm.  However, and this is a big one: those who exclude other races and cultures, gays, lesbians, transgender, and even buy and try sexual; those who exclude other political groups, religious groups; or even cattle ranchers who exclude sheep ranchers instead of sharing the land, are all self-exclude-rs.
I know what I am explaining here can be very confusing. In short, the Laws are simple and mostly self explanatory.

1.  Love the Creator God with all your heart and Soul

2.  If you do not know God or believe in God, love the universe and all it's creatures and beings.  God really doesn't mind if you do not give him the credit.  Being is too big for all that.

3.  Love your neighbor, if possible, more than yourself, ' cause we do not all love ourselves as we should.'

4.  Be gentle and forgiving of yourself and others.  We are all in this together and no one makes it out alive.

5.  Share the abundance you have received with others and try not to hold onto anything too dearly because it will all pass away eventually.

6.  Nothing (no thing) truly belongs to any one of us but truly, everything belongs to all.  It is given freely and taken back again, over and over. ( Those who think they possess the land or a thing or even an idea,) can only learn, if they dig deep enough, that every thing has been held before by civilizations and beings in the past.)

7.  One cannot possess an animal or another human being.  We enter into a covenant relationship with all creatures we think we possess. Neither their minds or persons belong to anyone and they are taken from us mostly with no notice.

8.  Believe in Angels, Fairy's, Monsters and Myths because all are in some sense real.

9." There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy"

10. Do not be deliberately cruel to any other creature living or dead. Desecration of the dead is frowned on, mostly because it desecrates ones own soul.

11.  Soul is eternal, as is life .

12.  Do not exclude anyone or thing even if it self-excludes.  Hope springs eternal that realization and recognition of folly, is both possible and necessary for growth in any individual.