Friday, October 28, 2016

Why I write this Blog

 I have often wondered why I expose my inner most thoughts to the public and friends through this blog.  I believe it is because I am crying out to people to really know and love me.  With all my thoughts, warts, bumps, inadequacies, and every other unnameable thing that occurs to me.
Actually, in truth, I do not expose my inner most thoughts and feelings.  Those I save for God alone.  So even here I wear a mask.  There are some things/thoughts that are unspeakable.  Not bad, just unspeakable.  A voice crying out in a wilderness, but masking his true identity.
 Do you too mask your true identity?  Do you too cry out for fellowship you may never have, with people you will never know.  Is this a common experience or is it only me?
Internally my God is all to me.  He walks slightly ahead of me everywhere. holding my hand but stepping out first so he can both protect me and lead me in the way he would have me go.  The Lord is my Shepherd and I am a pretty dumb ewe.  But I do know enough to follow him.  Sometimes I forget to request his/her companionship but he is there anyway, watching me make my mistakes and blunders, and falling down.  The Lord is ready, always ready, to pick me up when I ask.  I truly am never alone.
 But in my external world I seem to need fellowship, understanding, congruence between my inner and outer worlds.  I make a fool of myself reaching out to Facebook friends who never answer me.  Oh they may like or love something or post a three word comment. but they never relate to my advances in a real way.  I send them a long message telling them about myself and asking about them and I get back bupkis.  My one friend,Eileen, and my one niece, Margo,answer me.  I already know them.  I want to know you.  I want to know about your life, your family, what you think and what you believe.  I want to engage in real conversation.  I am basically a shut in, with supportive Church friends,  a wonderful husband, but few other people I can really connect with.  I keep reaching out.  Like a damned fool.  Or a fisherman casting into the water, but I only get nibbles.  No bites.
 I am getting tired of it and myself so I am thinking of not doing this any more.  I can put my photos in order or scrapbook instead: for people who will only throw them all out when I die.
 I know this is a rather dark post but I am a needy person.  I need feedback.  Who is it that is out there in France, Germany, and China, who is reading my blog?  Why are you reading it and can you not comment? Who is it on Facebook, or is responding to my blog update emails?  
 Where are you?  Who are you?  Why do you keep coming back?
 It is all a great mystery.

Friday, October 21, 2016

Moody and Sarcastic, says who?

All of my illusions about myself have been shattered once again.  I have been married 52 years and counting.  December makes it 53.  You would think by now you would have a good idea of who you are and who you are married to.  I would have thought by now I would have known how my husband and others see me.  Instead this morning I was brought up sharp with an answer I NEVER EXPECTED.
 I was taking a quiz on Facebook to find out what kind of cat I would be.  I encountered the following question and four possible answers:
What kind of person are you
1.  Kind, caring and sweet
2.  Sarcastic and Moody
3.  Relaxed and laid back
4.  Fiery and Aggressive

I was having difficulty deciding between # 1 and # 4 so I ask my beloved husband. Well, don"t you know he chose # 3, Sarcastic and moody. I could not believe it.  I said " Really, you really think I am sarcastic and moody"?
He said " yes, you are always making rude faces and yelling over the simplest things and making sarcastic remarks to me and about others."
I just could not believe it.  I realized then I had no conception of the effect I had on others.  Suddenly I could see why all my former friends had deserted me over time and why some people said I was hard to get to know at first. I must come off as a super bitch to most people.   And I talk about moody people, oh my God, who am I.
My inner reality about who I am seems to be just a facade and my outer self  is completely different.At least with regard to how I feel about and see myself.
I was so sure I was kind and caring and sweet and became fiery and aggressive only when defending others I felt have been wronged.  Now I see the illusion I have been laboring under.
So please try and forgive me, both my friends and my enemies.  I will be observing myself and my words and actions even more carefully from now on and will try to bring more cogency to my inner and outer realities.
P.S. I came out a Maine Coon Cat in the quiz.