Monday, April 6, 2015

OOPs, I did it again.

O.K. I have to get this off my chest.  I have done it again.  Hurt someone who is vulnerable and never deserves to be hurt.  Especially by a opinionated, acid tongued, gadfly like me.
Not only did I hurt this person but she pointed out , quite pointedly, several others I have hurt recently with my humorous ( I think I am so damn funny), sarcastic, criticism.  I have always known I used humor to supposedly soften the blow of criticism. It has recently come home to me in a very powerful way, that I use this trick to say anything I want to criticize and blame others.  I can then say "don't take me seriously, no one else does). This way I can get out of being called out for my nasty remarks and if someone does remark I can say " They have no sense of humor".
Oh, my Lord, I just feel so bad inside.  I love to say how I follow Christ but there is nothing Christlike in what is my most common method of dealing with behavior I am angry or hurt  or upset about.  I hide my disappointment, rejection, criticism, and other less than honorable feelings, behind what I call humor.  I talk freely about being the big mouth in the group who will say anything to get a point across and try always to tell it like it is.  Unfortunately,it isn't, like it is.  It is only my observation or perception of how it is.
I am always so confident that the way I see it is the right way, that I will self-justify almost anything to get my point of view out there.  I cannot just quietly disagree or hide my displeasure about something or someone.  In the interest of Truth I have to let it all out there. I am very judgmental but I constantly try to hide it. Even if I, rarely, should not say anything, my facial expressions give me away all the time.  The longest running argument I have with my (long suffering) husband, is about my face. Of course I never can see myself when I put on the expression but an old colleague used to say he would hate to see my eyes above dueling pistols, and my niece used to say " Stop sucking your teeth and glaring at me ".  My husband calls it " the look" I always plead I am not thinking anything bad and it is only their perception, but of course it is my look.
I really do not even know how to change.  Recognizing the problem is only 20% of the battle. Incorporating real change in behavior is the other 80 %.  I know what I am discussing here is no secret to any of you, my friends, colleagues and family.  I am not looking for your acceptance or generosity in any comments you might want to make.
My purpose here is mainly to say that if I have done this ( and I know I have ) to any one of you, I am genuinely sorry.  I will try to be more mindful in the future.  If I say something out of line, please call me on it.
  I am unable to change or rectify the past and all I can really do is try to recognize and change my behavior, and the internal mechanisms and insecurities which generate my behavior.  I do not know how successful I will be as I am 71 years old and this has been with me since my childhood.I do not have a lot of time left, Hope, however, does spring eternal and Easter is a time for forgiveness and new beginnings. The first step will be if I can ever forgive myself for hurting gentle creatures who seldom hurt others.