Friday, September 2, 2016

Friendship Lost and Found

I started this post on Sept.1, but it carried over into today..Aw well, sigh!
I wanted a new friend so badly it hurt.  I wanted someone to share every adventure with and who understood all my varied moods.  I have reached out so many times in the last years and months and no one very special was there.  I asked God and he kept reminding me that he is there.  I know that dear God, and I love you so much, but that was not the same as having a living breathing human friend to do things with.  I love Srini so much also,and he is my dearest love but doesn't share my same interests or like to go to the same places with me.  My little dog Angie is a poor companion at best.  I love her dearly but she is not a real companion to me. She is a bit of a loner but has drawn more close recently.
 What to do?  What to do?
At least when I worked, until that last year, I always had someone to hang with, and joke with, but that was all in the past.  When Char moved away, part of my heart moved with her.  The same with Pam.  When she and Charlie moved to Morro Bay part of my heart moved with them.  I had tried to substitute Facebook friends but they seemed too far removed and when I did not post they seem to forget about me. Even if they were there, when I signed off I was alone again.
I knew my husband had the same problem and some days he really stewed about the fact he never had a real friend who had not turned on him.  Of course his experience was different than mine and we handled it differently.  He is much more active than me and is not as introspective.  He has always kept busy with friends on the telephone (his former students and now friends) and his exercise, guitar, and wood working projects.  He also loves to read but is too active and spends a lot of time learning more about his hobbies on line than reading.  We both love the Robert Crais books because Elvis and Joe, the main characters, are true friends and always have each others backs.  This is the kind of friendship both of us felt we yearned for and needed in our lives.
We were stumbling along and I kept yearning for a real true friend who would never leave until one or the other of us died.  My dear sister, with whom I shared a love, and not so much love relationship,was stumbling into deeper dementia, and was not able to even reminisce with me.
Then, out of the blue I had an epiphany. I cannot describe it as anything else.  Certain things happened with certain friends, and I received wonderful feedback from several other dear friends and I suddenly realized what a real fool I had been.  Mooning about lost or missing relationships and not valuing enough the real relationships I have and
I have a larger group than most people, who really love and care for me.   All of these dear ones in my life seemed to have converged around me in the same time frame and I realise how truly blessed I am.
There is no special "Best Friend" any more and in truth I don't think I could handle one today.  The relationship always becomes too exclusive and excludes others who mean so much.  In truth I am a very slow learner and it has taken me 72 years to have this insight into relationships.  I always
knew that three people could not be best friends because two always eventually excluded the third and feelings would be hurt.  This happened to me in early highschool so I learned to count on one special friend only.
 Fast forward more than sixty years and I finally learn that dear and very special friends surround me always and not one, but many people are there to watch my back and catch me if I falter or fall.  Among my many dear friends are several gentlemen both here and abroad, in India, and other far countries; who always watch out for and care for me.  Add to them my many Facebook friends who are further away and Church friends who are both on FB and also near to me and I already have a very large group.  Then add to this several other dear friends who live in Phoenix but whom I have neglected far too long but am gathering close again.  . I cannot count all my friends with both finger and toes and even limbs and orifices.  They seem countless like the stars and one or another pops up and then recedes for a while, whenever I have a need for companionship or help.
I have to say it again.  I AM SO BLESSED>  I have so many very dear and special friends and I pray I never again devalue them by searching for a special one.  The Creator is my first and special One and I vow from now to love and value others as he/she,  has valued me.