Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Ever more dependent and resentful of it.....

This is a quickie for those who miss me.  I have been too sleepy in the mornings and have lacked energy to post.  I think everything is beginning to go south.  I cannot stand the hot weather so I have not gone outside for 5 days except for church on Sunday.  Srini drove me and picked me up then, because I cannot get into a hot car after it has been standing several hours,  Even when I have my oxygen on I feel I cannot breathe.  Too bad, so sad.  So many people have worse problems than I that I really should not complain.
I have found that the more you feel sorry for yourself the deeper you go into depression.  I try to be thankful for everything.  All the conditions and small problems I have in my life are an impetus for me to learn and grow and find what I am capable of; or not.
I  find it extremely difficult still to ask for help.  I feel that even my dearest one's resent it when I feel forced to ask for something.  I wish I could continue to do for myself with only God"s help.  I am afraid that becomes more and more impossible to go it completely alone.  I do occasionally ask someone other than Srini to pick me up or drop me off, but continue to feel my friends resent it inside. When I hear them talk about others who are now more dependent I really understand what an imposition it is to do for others.  Even the simple things.
I wish I could afford to have a personal assistant and a driver for hot weather but unfortunately cannot.  I only have energy before noon each day.  This is my window for accomplishment.  The rest of the time I can only read, watch TV or play on the computer.  I guess I am lucky I still have the mornings for activity but this is why it is hard for me to keep up the blog.  It is precious AM time when I should be taking advantage of my energy flow.
Oh woe is me. Is this a pity party or what?
I really am so thankful I can continue to do what I do .  I also know the Lord keeps me humble by making me ask others for help.  I have always been so, as my father would say about me, "so G' damn independent"
So with age comes dependence but also insight into character flaws.
Until next time, my friends, or not so friends, I bid you farewell.