I have given myself 20 minutes from now, to write this.
I have no clue but hope my muse will lead me. Sometimes I listen and sometimes I do not. It depends on the subject presented.
I have been trying to get ready for the next step in my life but I am unsure of what it will be. I don't think it is death just yet but I do think it is in the process of dying to things. All my life I have been so materialistic. I love beautiful things and when I see them I want to have them for my own. I know I can only hold the things for a short while then I will be gone, so now I am looking to make the time of ownership even shorter. Like, I want to have things of beauty in my mind only, instead of needing to physically bring them home. I have been a little ashamed of my materialism but not enough to avoid telling people about it. Everywhere I go, everything I see, I want some of it. I ache for the beauty of the world and I somehow think if I can just hold onto it in some physical sense, that sense of awe will hold forever. Well, you all know the end of the story. After you have a thing it gets old, and you want something else to replace it. The house, the cars, the furnishings for each room of the house. We get tired of them all. We want something new and shiny to replace them. On the other hand we really want to hold on to what we already have. We do not want to give it away or share it. Sometimes we can be enticed to sell it, so we can get something new.
Now sometimes, unfortunately, we feel the same way about relationships. New is better? Can this be a reason why the divorce rates are so high?
Anyway that is another topic and I have never wanted to replace my marriage or friendships.
But this materialistic thing, it is hard for me to get a handle on it. I have always wanted to be free and unfettered, but I keep adding to my treasure trove of goodies. I can't just pick up and go because the things I am leaving behind tie me up with invisible bindings. They say to keep only what you love or is important to you. It all is. My thoughts and memories are all bound up in these things.
I keep thinking of having an estate sale before I die so I can separate myself from these material attractions. I know many people in my Church and of my generation have these same problems. It always achieves tragic proportions when people have to leave their homes and move to independent or assisted living. Decisions are forced on them and while in some sense they are ready, in another they are most assuredly not.
So I say, make the plans now. Separate yourself emotionally and then physically from these emotion fraught things, and move on. Buy no more, then you will need no more goodbuys.
A little humor there. Sayonara. I made my time deadline.