Monday, May 13, 2013

Heaven help me, Who am I???

Was too sleepy to get up and write past 2-3 days.  Who's counting. It is early morning or nothing, with writing, with this being the exception.  It is now 8:16 AM and oops, I'm actually writing.  I tired myself last week with planning and preparing for the Mad Hatter's Luncheon at the church.  We have this little Mom's and kid's luncheon every year for Mother's Day.  It is a lot of work and effort for not too much return but there were about 36 ladies and young girls for the event this year.  I thought of the theme and followed up by ordering posters, making part of the centerpiece decorations, and the place mats, as well as supplying the tablecloths and coordinating the set up in Fellowship Hall. 
The thing that tired me most, however, was the worrying because the rest was really duck soup.  (where did that phrase come from anyway). 
I try not to worry about something as silly as a luncheon when so many really important things are out there which have much more reason for concern.  When I take on a project it is all consuming.  It is for me like going for a Master's dissertation or something.  I had so much help for this luncheon from my lovely group of ladies and I did no physical work at all.  They moved tables and chairs, set up and decorated the room, handled the activities and provided all the cleanup and put away.  I sat there in the corner giving directions and puffing away like the caterpillar in the "Alice in Wonderland" book and movie.  But instead of smoking a hookah, I was hooked up to my oxygen machine, looking for all the world like a slug which had crawled out from under a magic mushroom.  We all wore crazy hats and mine was a little green flowered prairie hat number with additional flowers glued on the bonnet.
Why these lovely ladies put up with me is anybodie's guess but they do and I just keep getting us into worse and worse follies.  We broke even as far as the food and other expenses went but my personal layout was at least $75.00.  It was my idea and it had to be as perfect as I could make it.  It was like my whole self worth was tied up to this silly little party which was only attended by my friends anyway.
I keep trying to figure out what is with me.  "Know thyself" the ancient wise persons have said.(notice the political correctness).  But there are so many different aspects of myself that at almost 70, I feel I am just beginning.  Know who and what and where and how about myself? Which self?  The one who really feels we should share all our wealth with others less fortunate and live very simply.  Or the one who wants to know everything about everything, the intellectual and the scholar.  Or the one who loves fashion magazines like Vogue and Harper's Bazaar, and household magazines like Woman's Day and Good Housekeeping.  Or the one who reads Time, Psychology Today, Horse Mag.  Architectural Digest, and Guide Posts.  I want to go to Church and follow what Jesus said, as well as have a good time and party.  Who am I?
I watch Project Runway, the Rachael Maddow Show, CNN, The Voice, American Idol, The ED Show, Monday Morning, House, How It's Made, etc etc.  What I am trying to illustrate here is that I am such a bundle of different interests, impressions, want to be's, that I am in existential angst.  If you don't know what this all means neither do I.
So just keep on expecting the unexpected from me, as I do each day. Without meaning to, I guess I just refuse to be consistent.
Does anyone else recognize themselves here?